Which gender are the “real” perverts? Perversion being a concept describing those types of human behaviour that are perceived to be a serious deviation from what is considered to be normal. Would not the use of sex as manipulation, or the withholding of intimacy in a relationship where sexual connection would normally be one aspect be a serious deviation? Is that not perverted?
I used to spend an inordinate amount of time on internet dating sites. So much time that the profiles I read tended to blend together after a while and virtually sounded the same. I never got anywhere with anyone on there but I did learn a few things and was left wondering about many others.
One of the things that has left me thinking was women’s attitude towards sex. What I am about to delve into, should any women read this, is yet another example of why men find you so illogical and confusing. Let’s talk about sex, more specifically sexual tension and arousal. Actually let’s talk about chocolate first. Same thing isn’t it ladies?
Ok, let’s imagine that you are very busy at work and you are feeling a bit stressed. In order to alleviate some of the stress you form a scenario in your mind of something pleasant and you day-dream. Let’s say you are thinking about sitting down, relaxing and enjoying one of those delicious chocolates you have hidden away. The thought of this simple yet effective pleasure gives you some relief from the days stress.
Now let’s say that you are smiling on your way home because you know in a few moments you can take your fantasy chocolate and really taste it. The tension, the anticipation builds even more. Now let’s say you get home and:
a) The chocolates are gone
b) The chocolates have melted
c) Something happens that prevents you from indulging
Now if this happens from time to time, so what…right? However if it happens all of the time you would tend to find a new fantasy pastime. The truth is that we can have unrealistic fantasies, ones we know will never happen, like wishing to be a billionaire or more realistic anticipation based fantasies about chocolates, a nice dinner, a vacation or sex.
The way that one might imagine, dream about and virtually savor that chocolate that you haven’t even touched yet is that same way that I think about sex. The fantasy, imagination, anticipation is my way of breaking up an otherwise stressful or gloomy day.
I am not talking about being single and on the hunt here, I am talking about being in a long-term serious relationship where physical intimacy should be part of said relationship. The building of sexual tension and arousal through my imagination throughout the day is my own personal foreplay.
So what happened in my case?
I was married to a woman who either outright rejected or made any sort of love-making mood impossible. So the sexual tension building throughout the day for something that was usually unattainable eventually waned as well. There is no sense in indulging in fantasies all of the time that are unattainable is there?
This started out slowly and over time became the norm. Eventually there was no fantasizing on my part. I stopped making any suggestions, advances and stopped being romantic. The only time I was physically intimate with my wife was if she was drunk AND if she came on to me. Just the fact that she could withhold sex at any given time for reasons that were trivial and non-related to intimacy made me wonder about her overall sexuality in general. I could never understand how women that are so sexually focused as a girlfriend can turn totally frigid when married. I don’t assume that they actually lose interest in sex as much as they don’t have any use for sex once they have used it to manipulate a ring onto their finger.
So did I just stop fantasizing? No, I switched to something else…pornography. The great thing about this fantasy was that because I was in control of the outcome, a positive result was always assured.
1) My wife hated porn. She was a pseudo-feminist when it suited her. She stated her reason for disliking porn was its objectification of women. In my opinion her dislike was because due to her loss of the ability to manipulate me through sex.
2) I remember her stating to her friends on occasion how I never initiated sex, was never romantic. She dreamed of having a man who knew what he wanted and took charge. My supposed lack of interest wasn’t my “true” feelings rather a trained response to her continuous rejection.
3) The only time I saw a big change in her attitude was when we were destined for divorce. She started renting porn, dressing in lingerie and bought a few sex toys. Too little too late. This just made me angry and once more I saw it not as a renewal of a normal sex life but as a ploy to get me “back into line” so the manipulation could continue.
So as I surfed the profiles of the married but looking women I saw many times statements I had heard many times before. Married woman stating that they were bored at home, their husbands didn’t pay attention to them, they were tired of being the initiator of sex, and they missed romance, excitement, passion and butterflies.
It makes me wonder if these same women were just like my ex-wife. Did they overuse their manipulative ploys? Did they reject their husband’s sexual advances so many times that he simply gave up or found another outlet?
Are they seeking something that is fantastic and unrealistic? Women state they want a man who takes charge and he does the seduction. One of the top female fantasies is to be ravaged by a man. This fantasy is unrealistic in the “no means no” society we live in. I’ll be damned if I am going to “ravage” a woman who continually says “no” to my advances. Why would I do that?
I am not suggesting that all women are like this, but in my experience far too many fall into this category.
I wonder if these women that are complaining about their husband’s sexual response to them are/were in fact one of the biggest contributors to his demise as a viable lover in their eyes?