Dear Women Who Think Men Are Pigs,
I must point out a few things which may be dry and boring in order to establish the veracity of what I’m about to write.
First off, this is a rant, so I don’t care if you like me or not, if you reply to me or not, or even if you believe me or not, whoever you may be. Therefore I have no reason to lie.
Secondly, I am in every sense a good guy. I don’t lie. I’ve never cheated on any girlfriends, I don’t cheat on my taxes, I like helping people, I’m good looking and have plenty of dates when I want to. I have a strong value system, and good morals, a great job, I’m not rich but comfortable, I have excellent credit. I’ve never had a one night stand. I have the utmost respect for women, and have consistently conducted myself as such over the years (I’m 48). Point: I’m what anyone who ever met me would think is a great guy, and that’s the truth.
In addition to all that, I want to fuck almost every woman I see. But alas, I cannot. If I could I might.
The intention of this rant is to defend my myself and my brothers across the universe from all the women who think we are pigs for that reason.
I realized one day when I was about 13 years old (estimate) that I wanted to fuck almost every woman I saw. That’s how it happened. I didn’t go to bed the night before and think to myself “hey self – I just got a GREAT idea. Ya know … all those women all around everywhere all the time? Well, starting tomorrow, let’s want to fuck almost all of them. Better – let’s not simply want to fuck them – let’s have a burning and raging desire to fuck them. Let’s make it so the first thing we think when we see a woman who is even remotely attractive is that we want to fuck the living crap out of them. Oh we’re rolling now!! If a woman’s not really that attractive, let’s single out one aspect of her that could be attractive and want to fuck her anyway!!!! Let’s make it even greater by wanting to bend them over if they have nice asses. Let’s feel COMPELLED TO WANT THIS. Let this compulsion GROW directly in proportion to how hot the woman is!!!! Let’s ALWAYS do this no matter what!!! This will be really great because we’ll want to fuck them REALLY BADLY … but WE WON”T BE ABLE TO!!!! In fact let’s not look back. Let’s continue to want to FUCK almost ALL OF THEM even though WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO AND WE KNOW THIS!!!!!” Yeah, that’s what I did. I DECIDED to be that way.
I must convey in no uncertain terms the compulsion that all men have. It is biological. We have no choice. Picture, ladies, for a moment if you will:
You’re starving. Literally. Forget about why you’re starving, just know that you are. You are so hungry that you feel like you’re about to pass out. Suddenly a (insert favorite food here) passes by right in front of your eyes. Social conformities and educate then dictate to you that you CANNOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE:
a) feel like you want to eat that food
b) can CERTAINLY not look at the food like you want to eat it
c) if you approach the food in such a way that indicates you want to eat it it will be worse than a or b i.e.: you CAN NEVER do this.
Please keep in mind as I continue to draw the analogy that I am by no means comparing women to food. That would be degrading, and (other than the fact that I want to fuck almost every woman I see), I would never intentionally be degrading toward women. The analogy is drawn upon the URGE. You have a compelling and inescapable urge to EAT that simply cannot be questioned or denied. Well, I have a compelling and inescapable urge to FUCK YOU that cannot be escaped or denied. It’s no different. With the exception of course that I in all likelihood cannot fuck you. But the urge remains.
Exhale deeply. Right at the turnover point where you would normally inhale, hold yourself back from inhaling. At first it’s okay, but after a few seconds it gets uncomfortable. A few seconds more and it’s worse. A few seconds more and you’re feeling like you really need to breathe. A few seconds more, and you get a sense of desperation for air that is so compelling you have no choice but to breathe in. That feeling illustrates how desperately I want to fuck you. Your urge to breathe in is my urge to fuck you. But of course, again I cannot fuck you.
What? You’re my girlfriends mother? I want to fuck you. I’ve jerked off to it.
You’re a somewhat older lady on the street? You have nice legs though. You also have experience. I want to fuck you.
You’re a smoking hot chic in super tight jeans strutting your stuff down the avenue? I’d like to fuck you so badly that I want to stab myself in the eyes with two pencils because the pain of that will be a relief from the sheer force of the desire I have right now to JUMP YOUR BONES AND BANG THE FUCKING CRAP OUT OF YOU RIGHT HERE AND NOW.
So the next time you’re walking down the street and a guy’s stare lingers for a tenth of a second too long, or maybe even an innocent comment is passed, please know that all he is is starving, unable to breathe, surrounded by chicken wings, and bleeding from the eyes.
Cut us some slack eh?