To me there are two basic types of sex:
1. The warm physical intimacy that is shared between two people in love. AKA: Making love
2. No holds barred, crude, nasty, do whatever you can imagine sexual gratification. AKA: Fucking
The problem is that in most cases the two never happen at the same time, or at least with the same person. I heard a saying once that “Making love is what a woman thinks about when you are fucking her”. There seems to be a discrepancy between what the sexes can imagine as being palatable if given the chance to dig into their deepest desires.
The problem is, as I see it is that men objectify women if given the opportunity to. I love my wife, I treat her as such. We have a great relationship in that we both work towards common goals. We have a great sex life, we move in unison and we can orgasm at the same time. I have no complaints.
However if I took respecting her as a person out of the equation and just thought of her as AND had the ability to USE her as I saw fit, the rules would change. I believe that if a man has the ability to have sex with a woman in the way that he can IMAGINE it would in many most cases be distasteful to the woman.
I am not talking about physically harming a woman, I am just saying that if I could do whatever I wished, whatever I can comprehend as being REALLY sexually exciting to me it would more likely represent a porn film than a close relationship.
I don’t hold the thought of ever experiencing any of these scenarios in “real” life. They serve no purpose to me in my real life. In conversation with my wife I have brought up various scenarios and could tell by her response that my fantasy would be better off staying just that…fantasy.
I do from time to time draw on these “fantasies” while making love. In some ways I feel bad in that in my mind, I am objectifying her and her body more than she will know or needs to know. I am not pretending that she is someone else, rather a one-sided “role-playing” where I am pretending that she is acting in a different way than she would possibly ever comprehend. I am married, so NSA sex and hookers are not a viable option, I have to work with what I have. Sometimes she IS a hooker, other times my neighbor’s wife, while other times the team’s cheerleader but almost always she is a reincarnation of the stereotypical “slut” and now she is mine. Many different scenarios and yet almost always different from what appears as face value.
If I “make love” and try and get really worked up over the “closeness”, the “connection”, the “bond” I will most likely go to sleep. I need, at least in my head, for sex to be “dirty”. I need there to be some stigma attached to it in order for me to “get off” intellectually and emotionally.
I like to look into my wife’s eyes and see that sparkle. I love to see her smile. I love to hear her voice. She is a great partner and I am very happy that she is in my life. What she doesn’t see is how I look at her in a more visually graphic way, how I fantasize about her, how I objectify her body.
I care about her needs. I always do my best to ensure she is happy and satisfied. She does the same for me…she just doesn’t know how much.
I’m glad that you realize that some fantasies are best kept as they are. My ex husband insisted that I wear pantyhose and heels EVERY TIME we had sex. If I didn’t, he wasn’t turned on. Like I said, he’s my EX husband…
When someone wants their partner to wear a specific item of clothing, act a certain way, or participate in an activity EVERY time they have sex….it would suggest to me a serious problem.
With pornography being so prevalent I have heard more and more where (typically the man) will want his wife to basically mimic a pornstar in her dress and actions. This might be beneficial from time to time but when it becomes the norm one might think he was more “in love” with a fantasy than relality…which is not good at all.
you know… I wish more women would realize that there are 2 sides to every man..and giving him the gift of expressing both sides, bonds him to you in ways that just doing one, never could…