I was sitting at my desk thinking about…wait for it…sex. I know that must be a surprise to many but being the forthright guy that I am…I admit it.
I was thinking about how I view sex within an interpersonal relationship with a woman, any woman. Regardless if it is only a glance, a flirt, conversation, desire or a full-blown relationship, the sexual aspect is separate from the balance of the connection. This sounds somewhat cold and yet I find that it works for me and is most likely a big reason why I don’t act like the stereotypical guy.
If I was working with a woman who I would consider attractive, I would think about her being attractive but all of my conversations with her would be professional and above-board. My personal admission of attraction would be just that, nothing more, nothing sexual. I have never sat in an office and daydreamed about a sexual encounter with a co-worker. I have never undressed a female associate with my eyes. I even try to curtail flirting if it happens to arise. I might use a visual recollection of her in a sexual fantasy at a later time, possibly while masturbating, but even this is rare.
I used to frequent gentleman’s clubs and over the period of 5-6 years I conservatively ogled 10,000 women without their clothes and in various positions designed to build sexual tension in the observer. In all of that time I only got sexually aroused twice. Sexually aroused in that I became physically aroused and out of my control; that is I did not intend on becoming aroused.
My friend that would accompany me could never understand this, as soon as the first dance was on, he was up . With me it has never been a lack of drive, rather control over whether I want to get horny…or not. The truth is that in most cases I choose not to taint the environment with sex. If I choose to get aroused by a co-worker, an exotic dancer, my neighbor, my friend’s wife…I will. I choose to block sexual stimuli from my thought process to keep me grounded.
One time was in a back room (the back room was like a VIP lounge where contact between the dancers and patrons was not a closely scrutinized by the management. On this occasion the dancer started to simulate oral sex on me through my pants. The visual of her doing this accompanied with the rubbing caused me to react accordingly.
The other time was on a trip to Montreal when a woman that epitomized my ideal of the perfectly visually appealing woman walked by me in the bar and bit my ear lobe really hard without warning. She then turned around and said to me. “You liked that, didn’t you?” I joined her and her bi-sexual friend in a private lounge and paid $1000 to watch the two of them pleasure themselves for the next hour. That was one time where the sexual tension that I so enjoyed causing myself almost drove me crazy.
When I see an attractive woman walking down the street…I will look at her. I give her the same attention as I might a sports car. A passing glance…nothing more. There is nothing sexual…unless I choose to think that way. As far as my looking at her as a person and not objectifying her, that is another issue. I think that the nature of (physical) attraction is by nature objectifying. If you only look at someone and find them attractive in looks, I feel that you are perceiving them as an object… there is no person involved until such time as you initiate conversation and progress from there.
Even a sexual relationship with my partner is somewhat separate from everything else. I have a vivid imagination. My imagination during sex may be on a different page than the reality of the situation. In my experience, sharing my true thoughts with my partner is not met with any great enthusiasm. I can get excited by looking at my partner…but only if I choose. It is a misnomer that all men think about sex all of the time. This man thinks about sex only when it is suitable. I think that is why I don’t treat women as sex objects. I will visually objectify them, but only if it suits me. I will engage in role-playing where my partner may for that particular act be more of an actor that her true self. I do not objectify the person. She is my co-worker, a dancer, his wife or mine. They are human beings with their own thoughts and feelings. I might like to have sex with any given one of them and the type of sex I envision might vary.
Thinking about these encounters is deliberate, not hormonally necessary and chances are they would never know what I am really thinking even if we were having sex.