On your mark. Get Set….

How long should you wait before you have sex with a new partner?  This is one of those areas in relationships that has some serious weight attached to it.  Regardless of how long the couple waits to…couple, whether it is quickly (first date) or they wait until marriage, there will be a stigma attached to the event that is based specifically on the timing.

I have even seen many articles where the question is raised,
“How many dates should you have before having sex?”
“How long should the man be expected to wait before he should get sex?”

Personally I had a lover tell me that her mother had told her to always delay the sex with a new boyfriend for as long as possible so that he:

1)Wouldn’t think that she was easy
2)Would stick around for a while.  The idea was that once he “got what he wanted” he would have no further reason for a relationship.

My opinion on the subject, as to how long a new couple should wait before having sex would depend on which angle I look at it from.  My flat out answer would be they should wait until they want to have sex.

There is an assumption (an old fashioned one) that if the woman has sex with the man too soon, he will disappear because of it.  That is not the case.  Typically the man that disappears after they have sex, only wanted sex in the first place.  He had no real interest in YOU.  The interest that the woman perceived was not his wanting to date her,  it was his wanting to have sex with her.

No man has ever stopped calling BECAUSE you had sex with him. It might have happened right after the sex, but he stopped calling because he had gotten all that he was after in the first place.
If  a man really wants to date you, having sex isn’t going to make him like you less. And if he only wants sex, NOT having sex won’t make him like you more.

When I look at the subject from different angles, hypothetically I can gain some different conclusions.  In my experience the relationships in which sex was delayed typically lasted longer and had greater depth, not because of the timing of the sex but because the time itself allowed the participants to develop a relationship while leaving that emotionally intensifying and confusing sexual aspect on the back burner.
Assuming that I had a great interest in this woman that I am dating, the length of time before the “deed” has no significance.  Whether we “do it” on the first date or wait would not affect her “standing” with me because my attraction to her for a relationship should be more significant and varied than just a sexual one.

I have NEVER had sex with a woman just for a gratuitous nature.  That is to say that there has always been more than simply physical attraction or a desire to have sex with her and nothing more.  There was always an intent to develop a relationship if possible and I always thought of the situation from her perspective as well.

What I have seen in my experience is this:

•Some women “throw” sex at the man very quickly and I would assume this is done to (possibly subconsciously) Get him and hold his interest.  I have been in situations where I would like to wait and see what happens in the relationship before we “consummate” it, whereas she is naked on the couch after we come back from our first movie. A man will keep dating a woman, even if he sees no future if:

a) he has no other steady source of sex
b) the positives of the sex outweigh the negatives of the rest of the relationship
In the above scenario, he would move on if he “wasn’t that into her” whereas with a source of entertainment provided he might not.  The problem for her: at the same time his interest is waning her attraction to the relationship might be growing.  In the end, she will be hurt far more than he will.

•A woman that has sex with me on the first date DOES make me wonder under certain circumstances.  I dated a 40 year old woman that had been single (and looking) for 5 years but she never had a steady boyfriend.  She told me she went out every weekend “clubbing”.  Assuming that she met the likes of me (a different one) every weekend of those 5 years, that equates to 260 men in that period.  In that same period I slept with one woman.  Is this competition for me?..no..but if sex is supposed to be intimate and have meaning…be special then I really don’t feel special at number 261.  It isn’t the fact that she had sex with all those men, it is the fact that I feel more like a number than an intimate partner.

Some women have a belief that if they have sex with a man too soon the man will think they are a slut.  I think this is true.  Typically I would think they were a slut but in most cases it wouldn’t matter.  If I am trying to determine whether “we” have potential for a long-term relationship and she wants to have sex…I won’t say no, I will think that she takes the same approach with EVERY guy she meets and it will not determine the overall likelihood of a continued relationship.  I think that statistically that maybe 1 in 10 men is actually “looking” for a relationship, they are looking to have fun and that includes sex.  The sooner the better for most.

The reason in this case that it was an issue is that I wasn’t sure about the woman from a relationship standpoint, I didn’t know if she had the “right stuff” for a long-term commitment.  The fact that she didn’t seem overly discerning in her sex life led me (ultimately) to see that she wasn’t too focused in ANYTHING in life.

•I have been “really into” a woman AND have had sex with her early in the relationship AND everything worked out fine.  The most important point here is the fact that I was into her.  I liked her and there was great potential for a great relationship from what I had seen up to this date. When we had sex I knew that I wasn’t number 261, I knew that she had no reason to use sex as a bargaining chip or to hold me.  The “act” was unrehearsed, unprovoked and natural…just the way that it should be.

The amount of time that a couple wait is a personal choice and is as varied as the participants.  There is no factual answer but in my opinion the couple WILL know when the time is right but if there is a future for the relationship, there should be no harm in waiting.