50 ways to do your lover

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I was standing in the checkout line last night and as is usual for me the woman in front of me had 5 items that needed to be price checked.  As I stood waiting I glanced around at the various magazines residing on either side of the aisle.  I counted 32 magazines of which 8 were “rags” similar to and including “The Globe” and “National Enquirer”, four were “Home & Garden” publications and the balance were women’s magazines.  In one aisle, twenty magazines specifically targeted at women, nothing for men at all.  I took a quick glance around at the demographic status of the shoppers and almost half, including myself, were men.  My point is not that there should be more men’s magazines at the checkout, my point is that EVERY magazine that was directed to a women’s audience had at least one article on sex.  Whether it was Cosmo with 2013 new sex positions for the New Year, to a body building mag with an article on Kegals and yet another with a story about how to make good sex…great sex.

My mind wandered back to my marriage to the ice queen and I remembered that she used to buy these same magazines.  Funny thing is, I don’t think she knew what a Kegal was, the standing upright and saying “not tonight” position was really the only one I remember with any fondness and I don’t remember the bad sex becoming good at any time.  Great?  Ha!

If they really had written articles for the likes of my ex they would read more like this:
•    “Ten ways not to suck in bed” (Personally I think she did read this one, but took the wording the wrong way.  She never sucked in bed.  She was lousy but she didn’t suck)
•    “Six things to do to your man to make him think that you are actually enjoying sex”
•    “Faking orgasm is passé.  Learn how to fake an entire sexual encounter!”
•    “101 positions he can try while you shop in Buffalo”
•    “500 things he wishes you would do in bed, but got tired of waiting so is trying with the neighbors wife as you sit here like a dumb ass reading this stupid article”

After I left the grocery store I went to the mall and stopped in at the magazine store.  This particular store had a wide variety of both men’s and women’s mags.  As I browsed the covers I saw the same content in the women’s magazines but didn’t see anything similar on the men’s.  It seems that men are not as interested in ways to improve their sex lives.  This could be that:

a)    They feel that they are already good enough
b)    They already know what to do without further instruction.

If I look at the reality it is more apt to be b) They already know what to do.  I only buy a magazine when there is a specific need to know something. Last month I bought a magazine on how to build a stereo cabinet because I didn’t know how to; does a woman buy a magazine with articles on sex because she doesn’t know what to do???

I say this because most of the magazines that have articles for women on new positions or the dirty things that he thinks about during sex were not written by a woman; they were written by a man and could have easily been written by me.    A man already knows that there are 50,001 positions for sex.  We don’t need to be told and we would try most of them if you would let us. Also:

•    How to make good sex…great sex?  Screw him with the same wild abandon that a call girl would and YES he WOULD give you $100.  If that doesn’t appeal to you don’t worry about turning the good sex into great sex; think about turning the NO sex in the other 28 days of the month into ANY sex.  He will thank you for it!
•    Forget about making the bedroom “romantic” with white linens and rose petals.  His idea of romantic in the bedroom is a nurse’s uniform with crotch less panties.
•    Forget about all the fancy moves that simulate yoga onboard the space shuttle…fancy doesn’t matter so much…JUST MOVE!!
•    Talking dirty does not entail listing off “dirty” things that you would like done after you are finished; “Don’t forget to take out the garbage”, “The washrooms could use a cleaning”, “Did you change the oil in my car?”
•    We don’t care if YOU think that lingerie is a waste of money because you only wear it for 30 seconds, just put it on.  For those 30 seconds we can imagine that you are the model that we saw wearing it in Victoria’s Secret and accordingly the slinky outfit costs less than the Viagra required without it.
•    You DON’T really want to know the thoughts that go through our minds during sex.  It is better that you think that we are enthralled by the fact that we are sharing an intense emotional connection.
•    You want to give your man a “mind-blowing” orgasm just like it says in Cosmo?  You don’t need to buy a magazine and read a 15 minute article.  (Those 15 minutes could be better spent on 3 passionate love-making sessions you know!) How to do it?  Use your “head” (where your mind is) and “blow”.  See, easy.  Mind…blowing….fantastic orgasm…happy husband….saved $5.95 on Cosmo that can be saved towards Nurse’s uniform.

If men’s magazines did mimic the content found in Cosmo I could imagine what it might look like:
•    “Why men want to leave their socks on during sex.  They love the feel of something tight gripping their appendage.”
•    “How to get her to stop saying those stupid 50 things that Cosmo told her that you like to hear”
•    “How to convince her that a quickie says I love you as much as dinner at a five-star restaurant”
•    “Scientific studies prove that sleeping on the wet spot reduces the overall signs of aging”. Letting her sleep in it is like giving her a day at the spa!
•    “One word that you can use during sex to enhance the experience….SHOULD” Look at this…”You Suck” becomes “You SHOULD suck”
•    “Convince her that leaving the lights on during sex is good!” How else can you peek at the copy of Maxim beside the bed when you are having sex?
•    “50 things that you wish that she would try in bed and every woman’s magazine tells her she should try in bed but she will NEVER try in bed and why”
•    “How to make her feel like a woman…in 45 seconds or less”
•    “How to convince her that having a threesome with her sister is not disgusting” Her sister is not disgusting at all…really hot actually!

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