An Open letter to the guy doing my wife

To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I just have a few favours, common courtesy if you will, AND a little advice. After all you are giving it to my wife.

I know, I know… it’s a sweet piece isn’t it. That thing she does with her tongue…. OMG (you’re welcome… I taught her that) I’d kick her to the curb in a second, but she really is a good Mom. I know I’m gone a lot, but a guy has to work. She knew before we got married I’d be gone two weeks every month, and she sure doesn’t complain about the pay cheque.

I’m not sure if you’re that ADT security guy that’s comes by or the mailman or from what my neighbour lady tells me any number of guys, but:

1. Please trim, shave, wax, “manscape” or whatever it takes. Those short red/black/brown curlies I keep finding on the bowl are creeping me out, and I’m getting sick of boiling my sheets every time I get home from a business trip.
2. Learn to put the seat down and clean up your bad aim. I’m the only adult guy that lives here, and isn’t me. While you are in the bathroom… Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5-year-old son believes if it’s not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?
3. Stop messing with my Xbox. I don’t get to play it often, but when I do, don’t want to see your score up there…. Yes, “you the man” at Black Ops, and I obviously am not. If her box isn’t enough for you…shovel the driveway or fix the sink downstairs. I’m not much of a plumber. Maybe one of you are. Thanks in advance.
4. STOP using my lube. It’s my personal KY supply. It’s not expensive, but it is mine. Next time if find some missing there will be some cayenne in there for both your enjoyment. Yah, I guess you could say I’m a bit bitter
5. Learn how to reset the browser history on the computer. I’m not into shemales or transsexuals, perhaps my wife is now, but I seriously doubt it.
6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not mentally challenged.
7. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks).
8. Please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (God knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.
9. Please stop turning the heat up, You pay nothing and Enbridge is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it in hers but I think it hurts.
10. When she asks “do these pants make me look fat”, say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.
11. Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.
12. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too) has a groove in it that forces me to roll to the left.
13. Please do not knock her up. I do not want to raise your child. I’ve had a vasectomy and I know she says she’s on the pill….”just to regulate her cycle” Believe me. if you wrap it up, you’ll be much safer.
14. Check the medicine cabinet, or her purse. You’ll find a prescription for Valtrex. I checked the dosages, it’s not for “cold sores”. I’m no doctor but you don’t take 1000mg every day for that. One of you guys gave her the gift that keeps on giving. Luckily I’ve tested clean. Just in case I bought a box of Magnums and put them in the night stand. (if I know her. You’ll probably need that size)
15. One of you guys with sausage fingers left a gold band.. I’m guessing you’re looking for it. Next time you come over, bring a bottle of Crown and a case of Corona and I’ll tell you where it is.
16. Lastly I would like to thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentine’s Day. She was not as hungry as usual for dinner and only ordered only one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie.

P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.