I was reading a post from a fellow blogger today and she had asked for a man’s opinion about what a man is thinking when he gets “upset” over her sleeping with another him…while he is sleeping with another her.
“I’m not sure what, exactly, it is that upsets him honestly. I mean, he wants to be open. He wants us to swing. He wants me to accept his relationship with this married woman that he sees and who is in love with him. Yet, me fucking a guy that I have no emotional ties with whatsoever seems to really get to him.
This is one of those things I find really confusing about men. If there is no concern about the emotional relationship and you are generally okay with outside sexual activity for yourself, then why is it so hard when she fucks another man? What is it guys are thinking and what are they worried about?
Would love to hear a man’s thoughts on the matter.”
I like it when I am presented with a pointed question, one that forces me to think. The answers usually come easy to me…as to what guys are thinking…but I have an almost instant desire to “temper” my response and analyze it as to WHY my answers are as such.
The first things that came to mind as to why this fellow may have some stress over her having sex with another man were:
I feel that in general, most men desire to have some sort of control over (possession of) women, especially when it comes to the sexual arena. In many cases this is not even a conscious thought. I don’t specifically think about controlling my partner in any way…but if I think deeper…
One of the “unwritten rules” of a monogamous marriage is that I “possess” my wife sexually…and vice versa. That is to say that I am supposed to be the only man that she has sex with. If the couple are highly sexually compatible there will most likely be a desire on behalf of each partner to keep the other “all to themselves”.
If I were in an open relationship(s) I am sure there would be some sort of emotional response to my partner having sex with someone else. Assuming that she is good in bed… I know ( I can almost feel it) how much pleasure that she can give/is giving HIM. I know how much he is enjoying the ride…and that would (unconciously) bother me. Even if I am totally ok with it…we have discussed it, and are practising swingers…I think there would still be a possession “thing” that would go through my head. I don’t want HIM to enjoy your sexual talents….but I know that he is. I don’t want you to enjoy HIS sexual talents…but I know that you are.
It is a double-edged sword.
I feel that men have inherent competition when it comes to sex. So we have an open relationship and you just had sex with another man. You tell me that you had fun but it wasn’t that great. Yesss! Oh…I mean sorry to hear that! Yesss! I think that a good lover always wants to be the best, always wants to be the one that provides the greatest level of sexual pleasure for his partner. If there is ANY reason whatsoever that (at least in his mind) that he may not be the “best” lover for you…competition plays a role. If I know that my partner’s other lover possesses some attribute that I cannot compete with…and I know that this particular attribute is something she admires…I may show a negative emotional response.
In general, I feel that jealousy is the overall negative emotional response that would be shown by Lover A regarding her having sex with Lover B. Jealousy…alongside the other aforementioned aspects is an emotional response that is hard to completely control. I don’t think that any of these emotions come into play if there is no emotional commitment…if the lovers truly had a no strings arrangement. That is the issue here…can two people who are “involved” and have a sexually open relationship really pretend that there are no strings involved?
I have to admit that I have never been in an NSA situation. I have never had the opportunity to experience sex without some sort of emotional attachment. Other than paying for sex with a prostitute I can’t imagine having NO emotional response…even if the ONLY responses were possessiveness, competition and jealousy. I know that if I were to swing with my wife the excitement would in fact be the emotional teeter-totter within me…jealousy that HE was experiencing her sexual talents and excitement that HE was experiencing her sexual talents. I don’t think that you can truly have one without the other.
Read her entire post here: http://lifeofalovergirl.wordpress.com/2012/12/27/i-cannot-tell-a-lie/