By I was reading a post from a fellow blogger today and she had asked for a man’s opinion about what a man is thinking when he gets “upset” over her sleeping with another him…while he is sleeping with another her.
“I’m not sure what, exactly, it is that upsets him honestly. I mean, he wants to be open. He wants us to swing. He wants me to accept his relationship with this married woman that he sees and who is in love with him. Yet, me fucking a guy that I have no emotional ties with whatsoever seems to really get to him.
This is one of those things I find really confusing about men. If there is no concern about the emotional relationship and you are generally okay with outside sexual activity for yourself, then why is it so hard when she fucks another man? What is it guys are thinking and what are they worried about?
Would love to hear a man’s thoughts on the matter.”
I like it when I am presented with a pointed question, one that forces me to think. The answers usually come easy to me…as to what guys are thinking…but I have an almost instant desire to “temper” my response and analyze it as to WHY my answers are as such.
The first things that came to mind as to why this fellow may have some stress over her having sex with another man were:
Control
I feel that in general, most men desire to have some sort of control over (possession of) women, especially when it comes to the sexual arena. In many cases this is not even a conscious thought. I don’t specifically think about controlling my partner in any way…but if I think deeper…
One of the “unwritten rules” of a monogamous marriage is that I “possess” my wife sexually…and vice versa. That is to say that I am supposed to be the only man that she has sex with. If the couple are highly sexually compatible there will most likely be a desire on behalf of each partner to keep the other “all to themselves”.
If I were in an open relationship(s) I am sure there would be some sort of emotional response to my partner having sex with someone else. Assuming that she is good in bed… I know ( I can almost feel it) how much pleasure that she can give/is giving HIM. I know how much he is enjoying the ride…and that would (unconciously) bother me. Even if I am totally ok with it…we have discussed it, and are practising swingers…I think there would still be a possession “thing” that would go through my head. I don’t want HIM to enjoy your sexual talents….but I know that he is. I don’t want you to enjoy HIS sexual talents…but I know that you are.
It is a double-edged sword.
Competition
I feel that men have inherent competition when it comes to sex. So we have an open relationship and you just had sex with another man. You tell me that you had fun but it wasn’t that great. Yesss! Oh…I mean sorry to hear that! Yesss! I think that a good lover always wants to be the best, always wants to be the one that provides the greatest level of sexual pleasure for his partner. If there is ANY reason whatsoever that (at least in his mind) that he may not be the “best” lover for you…competition plays a role. If I know that my partner’s other lover possesses some attribute that I cannot compete with…and I know that this particular attribute is something she admires…I may show a negative emotional response.
Jealousy
In general, I feel that jealousy is the overall negative emotional response that would be shown by Lover A regarding her having sex with Lover B. Jealousy…alongside the other aforementioned aspects is an emotional response that is hard to completely control. I don’t think that any of these emotions come into play if there is no emotional commitment…if the lovers truly had a no strings arrangement. That is the issue here…can two people who are “involved” and have a sexually open relationship really pretend that there are no strings involved?
I have to admit that I have never been in an NSA situation. I have never had the opportunity to experience sex without some sort of emotional attachment. Other than paying for sex with a prostitute I can’t imagine having NO emotional response…even if the ONLY responses were possessiveness, competition and jealousy. I know that if I were to swing with my wife the excitement would in fact be the emotional teeter-totter within me…jealousy that HE was experiencing her sexual talents and excitement that HE was experiencing her sexual talents. I don’t think that you can truly have one without the other.
Read her entire post here: http://lifeofalovergirl.wordpress.com/2012/12/27/i-cannot-tell-a-lie/
theromanticmisogynist.com 
Part of the frustration of not understanding exactly what he is feeling has been not being able to comfort him. It seems like nothing makes him “feel better” afterwards very easily, whereas I’m much easier to pacify with reassurance regarding our emotional connection. THAT’S why I’m having such a hard time with it right now. I’m thinking, from your comments above, that I need to really focus on reassuring him that sex with him is fantastic (and it is!!)
Still jealousy is just jealousy and harder to get over when you aren’t right there watching the sexual interaction like we would be if swinging with another couple. The mind fills in all these blanks with more imaginative things than probably actually happened and makes it “worse”.
It’s true that I thoroughly enjoy the sexual talents of whatever lover I am with but the Professor is right up there on the top of my list (well, married guy may be technically the best, but they are close and my emotional ties to the Professor make it more special in different ways). So really, he has nothing to worry about, but of course he has no way of knowing that or knowing that I am being real about that.
I think women have similar feelings of control, competition and jealousy. We just tend to focus more on the emotional aspect and care more about that and are more forgiving of sex with another that he is not emotionally into. I want his emotional attention to be on me, ME, MEE!! Dammit! LOL That’s why I have such a hard time with the fact that there is another someone in his life that is in love with him.
Interesting question and thoughts. I like that you dig a little deeper in your own head when you answer. There was a quote from Gemma in Sons of Anarchy where she tells someone that “…men need to own their pussy…” I agree with that. But I don’t think it is exclusively men. As a woman, I feel a certain competition/jealousy when thinking about my skills as compared to other women. Who doesn’t want to be the best at something they do, especially sex? If you could have a degree in fucking, not only would I have finished college, but I’d have a Ph.D!
Of course for a woman, possession of the man has a different flavor. With the decrease in testosterone-driven aggressive impulses, the female mind sees catching and keeping the man as a reflection of her value as a woman and her beauty/desirability. Her ability to please him sexually and keep him cumming back for more (haha) is a key way that she quantifies his emotional attachment. Agreed with above comment that for women the emotional component is a big one. And I know for a fact that many women will read my comment and say, “Bullshit!” 😉
Reblogged this on Threesomes and variations.
We have done a few mfm threesomes and few a thoughts on why men get upset about when their female partner fucks another guy even though they are alright about fucking another woman. First I tend to discount the issue of competition or control. I tend to believe, at this stage in my life, a mfm threesome is about sharing and more importantly their partner’s pleasure. Also I feel guys have competing emotions, the idea of their wife / girlfriend fucking another guy is a turn-on but the reality of it is different.
At a deeper level, I feel, it has to do with a sense of loss and the reality that someone can please her sexually. In my opinion the root of the issue revolves around insecurity and why I believe communication along with a long stable relationship are prerequisites for having this type of experience. Without understanding your partner and feeling secure in your relationship then issues like this will evolve.
One of the hardest things for a man to deal with is knowing that if he’s out screwing someone else with permission, his woman is, too, and, hell no, that doesn’t feel good at all. Now, provided the two people stay together, he will eventually figure out that getting ticked off because she’s off doing her thing just like he’s doing just flat out doesn’t make sense.
Whenever someone asks me about opening their relationship, I tell them two things: One, don’t do it and, two, if you decide to do it, you have to unlearn everything you’ve ever learned about love, sex, and relationships – and then learn some new shit that just might blow your mind. I’ve asked men a particular question: How would you feel knowing that some other dude is screwing your woman and she’s loving it? Before he can answer, I go on by saying that if the thought is pissing you off, leave the open relationship thing alone.
Plus, I supposed we’re hard-wired to react like this; we want all the pussy we can get… but the only dick she can have is ours – that’s our ingrained ‘perpetuation of the species’ conditioning kicking in and, yup, it does tend to fuck up attempts at an open relationship.
A man in this situation is feeling a lot of things and comfort isn’t what he needs to get by the feelings – what he needs is confirmation that despite what we’re doing, you still love me and want to be with me. Now, if a woman can convince her man of this – and, really, dude, if she keeps coming home after her ‘dates’, that should tell you something important – then they can go forward with being open because he knows that even if she gets the best dick she’s ever had in her life, she will keep coming home to him.
You just cannot run an open relationship by monogamous rules; try it and find out what happens, like, um, homeboy getting miffed because his lady’s out and doing God knows what with some other guy who may or may not have a bigger dick or is just a way better lover.
Great post – thanks for sharing it!
Extremely well put kdaddy23 and completely accurate.
–Ryker–
@Average Guy – I completely agree with what you wrote and those are the exact emotions and reasons that go through me if there is any emotional feeling towards the woman. As stated, in my previous comments on lifeofalovergirls blog and post the reasons why these exist is evolutionay and therefore to some extent cannot be controlled for – the sexual competition part goes down even to the level of sperm competition by the way and a great book called Sperm Wars has been written on that subject,
Regards
–Ryeker–