Unrealistic expectations


I have a theory. It seems to me that in many cases those that have a dating site profile that expresses certain attributes they desire in another actually lack those attributes in themselves. I don’t know so much about the singles, I am specifically singling out the married but looking crowd.

That is to suggest that those that list honesty and respect as attributes they desire may not be honest or respectful themselves.

I have come across many examples of this phenomenon during my time on these sites. Some of the more common are those that write:

“I want to take things slow”, yet deletes you when you take longer than ten minutes to reply.
“I want to be friends first”, then deletes you because you don’t start flirting within 24 hours.
“Looks aren’t important”, then deletes you after exchanging pics because you aren’t her type.
“I want to be discreet”, then gets mad because you can’t respond to her emails effectively when you are at home.
“I am married”, yet wants undying commitment, attention, respect and honesty from her lover.

The married woman who is seeking an affair online tends to have a very diverse and unrealistic set of goals.

First off, many first timers state the fact that they don’t know what they are on here for, looking for, seeking etc. That just sounds stupid coming from a 40-something year old woman. Why say that? To cover up the fact they are looking for something specific yet highly unrealistic?

Most of the married women are looking for anticipation-building scenarios, excitement, butterflies, attention, thrills, romance etc. which are apparently everything they don’t get at home. With these desires they also wish commitment, respect, honesty and undying friendship all without giving up one iota of the security they enjoy at home. Oh yes, almost forgot, they don’t want this sideline relationship to be about sex. I don’t know, but that seems like a lot to ask from a married man.

The married man on the other hand I would assume is not providing any anticipation, excitement or butterflies to his wife. Even if she chooses not to sign up on POF to seek what she is missing, one could assume she isn’t floating on clouds at home. So realistically someone else’s husband isn’t going to magically turn into Prince Charming…it is only a phase and highly fantastic.
The married man, should he decide to look outside for his “needs” will most likely be looking for something sexual. There really isn’t anything else he needs. He doesn’t invest in the fantasy that the woman does but he will play along for a while as long as his needs are met.

The anticipation, excitement and butterflies that women seek are from meeting and learning about someone new. There is no specific magic involved, it is human nature. If you follow through with human nature a good relationship would typically lead to something permanent like marriage. Eventually the couple could find themselves in the same position once more. The married woman most likely feels she can perpetuate the romance stage by never solidifying the relationship. There will never be a marriage so the lovers can be “in love” indefinitely.

I find that women especially feel that there are fantasy relationships out there, where their knight sweeps them off their feet and the anticipation and excitement abounds. They found that their original fantasies were crushed when the man of their dreams (now just hubby) turned out to be well…boring. Now they take the approach of seeking out the man who they always wished that they had. A man that gives them butterflies treats them like a Princess and maybe can perform oral without so much as hinting at any reciprocation.

They want all this AND they want commitment, they want it all to be “real”. They want respect, honesty and intimacy of emotion. Oh yes, and let’s not make this about sex.

Take a look at the man’s perspective.

He as well got married and had some fantasy about the way things should/would be. His visions of the idyllic life were also quashed. He knows all about anticipation, excitement, butterflies. He felt all of those in the back seat of his car when he was dating. He knows how to treat a woman with respect and make her feel special because that’s how he got her into the back seat in the first place.

So now his marriage is dull, boring, and the only things spread out in the back seat these days are candy wrappers and the wet spot is from a half-eaten Mr. Freeze. He wonders what to do? He sets out on a journey on POF and finds a lot of wanton married women ready to join him in the back seat of his car. Right? Not likely.

What he finds is a bunch of married women with expectations and demands that are unrealistic. The man wants sex. The women want everything but. The man’s expectations are no less realistic than the women’s. I hear all the time from women complaining that the men on here are players, sex addicts, perverts oh and even worse liars that will say anything to get sex.

The woman who desires superficial fantasy crush-like emotions from the presence of a man isn’t any different. She is seeking self-gratification. On top of that she wants his commitment, respect and honesty but hold on there, there will not be any progression in this deal. She is married and staying that way. So if by chance you follow human nature and actually fall in love with her (which is most likely the only reason a man will commit on the level that many women expect) he will hit a dead-end.

I am not saying that it isn’t possible to find oneself in a mode of anticipation or excitement just that these emotional responses wane with time. The long-term friendship that she insists upon up front may be an unnecessary baggage to her once the butterflies…fly away. Since there is no future with her should he accidentally fall in love, there is really nothing solid about this relationship at all.

Many women don’t like the idea of a one night stand or an intimate encounter (unless it suits them at any given time). They don’t like the idea of intimacy without commitment from their partner. It is that commitment and the doting upon them that makes them excited, gives them the anticipation for what comes next and stirs the butterflies.

My point in all of this, both men and women are unrealistic about their expectations when seeking a lover via this venue, but my beef is with the women that can’t comprehend that their desires are no more ridiculous than his.

2 comments on “Unrealistic expectations”

  1. LOL Yeah, I think women want the side lover to be everything they dream about and fulfill their fantasies. They also want boatloads of ATTENTION, which they are probably not getting from their husband at home who is now focusing on other aspects of life. Wanting you to commit to her is basically just ensuring that she will get lots and lots of your ATTENTION. That’s what we are all about, haha.

  2. Very interesting post. I am going to comment on a few of your points but before I do, I have to preface by saying that I am married, have never sought an affair via POF or any other dating site, and have only had limited cyber experiences with married men.

    That being said…In my limited experiences the men have been the ones who took the interaction from a sexual to a more intimate level. They were the ones who brought emotion into the equation, and more than one displayed butt-hurt or jealousy when faced with the fact that they were not my cyber one-and-only. While they said in the beginning that it was only about sex, in truth for them it was about much more. Whether that desire for intimacy was latent or not I don’t know, but it became more about talking about their feelings than texting about their cocks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a hard-hearted Hannah. In fact, I am quite warm and fuzzy, which could very well be why they felt secure in opening that can of worms with me. (And I’m not claiming immunity – I enjoyed those moments of intimacy as well and felt the tug of my own heart strings.)

    I went into these interactions with no expectations. I went into them with an adventurous “Let’s see what happens…” attitude and ended up on more than one occasion listening patiently like a naked therapist while they poured out their hearts about their wives. In an interesting role-reversal, I ended up being the one trying to steer the conversation back to sex.

    It could be that in comparing cyber affairs and physical affairs we are talking apples and oranges here, but I disagree with your statement that for the men it is only about sex. There are a lot of married men out there who say all they need is a hot lay but what they really want is to experience the same feelings those married women are advertising for: they want to feel desired, cared about, respected and appreciated. Since they are guys they don’t just come out and ask for that (in a lot of cases I am pretty sure they don’t even know that is what they are yearning for.) They are too busy focused on the need in their pants to realize that the need in their heart is equally at play.

    Expectations are a nasty thing. I do agree that many women out there (and men as well) want unrealistic things. People persist in their belief that perfection exists and that if they just click the right website, buy the right beauty cream, or compose the perfect POF ad, they will find it. Perfection is one of my favorite myths – one of the most beautifully constructed and wholly believed and swallowed by the masses; it’s right up there with God and equally as mythological as the Tooth Fairy.

    Whoops, sorry for rambling!! Great post, it really got me thinking! 😉

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