In my mind’s eye


My wife and I were watching the Mentalist last night.  She made the comment (as she always does) about him being her fantasy crush…her pretend boyfriend as she puts it.  A few moments later there was an ad for “Castle”, the show that was to immediately follow.  I then made a comment about Stana Katic, the actor from Castle on how she could be MY pretend girlfriend.

This brought about a question from my wife: “What exactly do you see in any given woman that you notice and find attractive.  That is to say what aspects of a woman catch your eye?”

Hmmmm.  I could analyze this question to death and come up with all sorts of different angles but what first comes to mind is most likely closest to the truth.

Her Hair
Her Eyes
Her Mouth
Her hip to waist ratio
Her Bum
Her Fashion

Realistically these are the attributes I notice…and to a certain extent how I come to judge a woman’s overall appeal to me.

I remember discussing sexual attraction with my wife a number of years ago.  She said that when she looks at a man she makes a determination in her head if he is handsome or not, but doesn’t make any further thought regarding sex.  I told her that when I look at a woman, any woman, there is a split second question asked and answered in my head.  The question is: Would I or wouldn’t I…have sex with her.  Yes or no.  There is no further thought, there are no parameters involved as to whether or not I would have such opportunity, whether or not she would even give me the time of day…just the quick question.

Keep in mind I am not talking about a relationship with a woman here…when it comes to that…personality is at the top of my list.  Simply talking first (physical) impressions here.

Beyond that, If I have a few moments to look at a woman (television offers a great opportunity for this) what I notice starts at the top of her head and works down from there.

Her Hair

I have to admit that I have a “thing” for big hair.  The 80’s were really visually satisfying for me in this regard!  I have never been a fan of short hair on women.  I can understand the wash and wear appeal but I don’t find it sexy.  As far as color, dark or Auburn hair are my personal favorites. Two of the women that I had long term relationship with had short hair, my current wife has long hair.  I have seen women that I would consider overweight for my liking, but if they have nice hair and eyes…I don’t notice their physical size.

Her Eyes

A woman can really take my breath away with her eyes.  I am enthralled with long eyelashes and dark eyeliner.  I have a “thing” for brown eyes and when the woman has blonde hair and brown eyes, she might catch me taking an extra moments gazing at her.

Her Mouth

A woman’s mouth is not at the top of my list of facial features that catch my eye but at times I will see a woman with my idea of a “perfect” mouth and this will warrant a second glance from me.  That being said, the shape of a woman’s mouth does not “concern” me as much as her hair or eyes might. One aspect of the mouth that does hold a lot of appeal is the woman’s smile…if she smiles a lot it makes her attractive.

Her hip to waist ratio

I really like when a woman has a decent hip to waist ratio.  Super models look like sticks to me…moreover look like young boys rather than women.  I like the curve between the waist and hips…if she has a “few” extra pounds…all the better.

Her Bum

This is the one area where I can admit to being shallow.  I have my own idea of what a really nice bum should look like, not too flat and not too prominent. The size and shape of a woman’s butt is not a deal-breaker BUT it can be an issue.  What I have found is that if my lady’s bum is not “really nice” I tend to be looking at other women’s niceties.

Her Fashion

Fashion is like the icing on the cake…and if it is done right can be so sweet as to mask over any other imperfections.  That is to say that I have seen women dressed a certain way that I just stopped and stared.  If I was to really judge them I would see that they had no other attributes that I find appealing other than their clothes and the way that they wore them…so fashion can make a big impression.

I would have to say that I am lucky this time around in that I find my wife sexy.  My first two LTR were with “friends” that turned into a relationship.  I didn’t find these partners to be overly sexy so in all honesty I spend an inordinate amount of time looking at other women.  I will still look if an attractive woman passes by or via a television show…but in general I am happy just to admire my wife.

2 comments on “In my mind’s eye”

  1. It is interesting to read an honest assessment like this from a man. So often guys will gloss over things when you ask them a question such as this one, lol. I’m also glad to see you admit that fashion makes a difference. So often men say they don’t care but it really does make a huge difference in a woman’s overall appearance. Nice clothes make your body look better and also make you feel more confident and they are nice to look at on their own merits. If I wasn’t broke I’d be a huge fashion hound, lol. I LOVE clothes and try to buy nice, FLATTERING things when I have the cash.

    I’m also fortunate in that I have naturally nice hair, so even when it needs some touch up highlighting it still doesn’t look bad. And a nice butt is a lot easier for women to have and maintain than boobs which are harder to have any control over, so I’m always thankful for the butt guys, lol. I have good size boobs but I don’t consider them my top feature and I get a lot more comments on my ass.

    Also, it’s SO TRUE that smiling makes a difference. Almost any woman can look pretty with a smile on her face. It adds points to your looks any day! I think this is why I get hit on a lot even though I don’t have conventionally supermodel type looks. I smile a lot and that draws guys to me.

    As for guys getting in relationships with women they don’t find that attractive, I don’t get it. Why do they do that? Grrrr…. My ex husband, during our divorce, told the marriage counselor that he had never found me that physically attractive and that just killed me inside. Thing is A LOT of men do and I could have been with one who did and wasted all that time before he admitted it. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it really is. Right now he is with a woman who weighs twice as much as me, literally. I never would have seen that coming, but maybe he finds her more attractive. Or maybe, as he said, attractiveness really isn’t that important to him in a partner. He’s more looking for a maid to cook and clean than someone to be sexually attracted to. Ugh.

  2. Why do guys get into relationships with women they don’t find attractive?

    I would not deliberately get into a relationship with a woman with whom there was no attraction whatsoever, however I have been in relationships with women that I would not consider overly sexy. The reason I can trace back to my original outlook on life, love and sex.
    I was taught that sex was an expression of love. I spent far more time with females than males growing up and over time an emotional bond would be formed with “best” friends. Friends to lovers. This actually made a lot of sense to me at the time.
    Many of my male friends would pursue females that were “way out of their league” and surprisingly sometimes they might catch one…but the catch was always short-lived. My opinion was that overly attractive women typically matched up with overly attractive men. Average guys that pursued “sexy” women were wasting their time…actually wasting their money.

    Forming a relationship with a friend made far more sense to me….I could be reasonably assured that if we “fell in love” it was “real” and not some temporary layover while waiting for Mr. Right to come along.

    I also made a comment about my first wife, similar to what your husband had said of you, and I am sure that she felt similar to what you felt in response. The truth was not that I never found her attractive, she was what I would consider…to be “on my level”…average…just like me. What made her unattractive in the long run was not her appearance but her attitude. She became an ugly person to me. She was sexually frigid, extremely feminist in her thoughts and actions, knew EVERYTHING, accepted no mature level of responsibility, lacked social skills, was an alcoholic…generally not the type of person I could imagine spending my life with. When all things are equal…there is no problem but when someone acts in a despicable manner it can affect another’s overall view of that person.
    Average looks + bad attitude= ugly

    The truth is that even today I would take a great personality over looks (to a point) I believe that like fashion, that a nice smile and endearing personality can make a huge difference in a person’s overall appearance. Attractiveness and sexiness has a lot to do with physical appearance but fashion and attitude can make the outwards appearance of a person look more attractive than they really are…if you know what I mean. When an average man or woman does nothing to “improve” themselves then their partner may find some attraction in another average man or woman that makes an effort to appear sexy.

    That being said my wife today is the first person that I have ever been in a relationship with where she has an endearing personality AND fits my personal preference of SEXY. It wasn’t designed that way, it was still friends to lovers, and just this time I got lucky.

    As far as exes and who they choose (during) after us…There really doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason. So many times I have seen a husband’s lover…and she is overweight, under height or something that makes her look less attractive than his wife.
    My ex-wife was dead against smoking…she hated it…and I smoked. Her lover/boyfriend after I left smoked 3 packs a day and she let him smoke in her house…go figure!

    The last thing I wanted to say…why do men initially get involved with someone that they don’t find attractive? Sex. Sex (in the beginning) has the same effect as a drug and will alter the man’s perception of what is real. I think that this happens more with men than women. Women get duped, but they get duped by the guy as a whole…guys just get duped by the hole….so to speak.

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