Sex with my Ex…Or why a straight guy might switch sides


I just finished writing a response to a comment about one of my posts regarding fellatio.  In that response I stated that I was unable to become sexually aroused if I knew my partner wasn’t enjoying herself.

Once again it got me thinking about why I feel this way…and my mind wandered back to the Ice Queen.

My ex-wife was my personal nightmare when it came to sex…and my sexual arousal.  I think she has left me with some psychological issues that perhaps I should have sought some help for.  My reason for not seeking this help at this point in my life is my current wife.  I feel so open, safe and real with her…that the past seems to be just fading into nothingness.  It is only when I write something that I am reminded of how bizarre my ex was.

Real situations that occurred with my ex:

  1. She would go to bed at 8:00 PM.  If I joined her and tried to initiate some form or physical contact…she would say something to the effect, “You can fuck me if you want…but be quick about it”. I actually tried this a few times but found that a woman lying there not making the slightest sound or movement was disturbing.
  2. She actually fell asleep during my performing oral sex or during intercourse…quite a few times actually.  Makes a guy feel REAL good….
  3. She answered the phone on a couple of occasions…during sex.  It wasn’t an emergency…was her sister one time and a friend the other time.  Actually started talking to the caller as if nothing was going on….I got up and left.
  4. It got to the point where I was begging for some sort of sexual contact.  She would appease me by “allowing” me to go down on her…but refused anything past that.
  5. Her response to anything that might be considered even a bit forceful ie: harder pounding?? If you will was an “over-the-top” OWWW (very loud!) or closing of her barely open legs.
  6. IF I got a blowjob…I can remember a few times in 15 years…I imagine it like fucking a blow up doll…no effort whatsoever on her part…like fucking a pudding cup??
  7. Sex itself was without the slightest sound, no movement and there was almost a desire to keep her legs as close together as possible.
  8. Missionary only…any other position was “perverted”

I thought on many occasions that she has been the victim of some sexual assault in her past…but she never said so…and I never found out.  I asked her later in our relationship to seek some sort of help because I felt her sexual response was “off” but she refused.

Regardless, I eventually gave up on her.  I turned ALL of my attention to porn.  For me it was a quick release and a way to remove the tension that otherwise would be creeping into my every thought.  I spent the last 8 years of my marriage having sex with my hand and the only time I can remember having actual sex with her was when she was completely drunk.

I am happy to say that I have never experienced that level of disinterest in sex from any other partner since.  However when I get an idea that my partner has no great interest, would rather be sleeping or is just going through the motions for my benefit…it is a complete turnoff for me.  I should note that my greatest pleasure from sex is derived from my psychological pleasure as opposed to physical…so physical alone just doesn’t cut it.

That got me wondering about how sex with a prostitute or a casual encounter would work for me…hence the reason for this post.  I don’t know if I could actually have sex with a woman just for sex.  That is to say, I don’t know if I could pay a woman to use her vagina for my personal physical satisfaction.  I think that I may not even become physically aroused enough for it to be physically possible.  I don’t know if a casual encounter would work much better because in the back of my mind I would be thinking, this is JUST sex…a thought that appeals to me in fantasy but not reality.

If I were to have sex for the sake of my pleasure alone…it would not last as long as lovemaking does.  I wouldn’t pace myself or hold off for her.  I wouldn’t care if what I wanted to do was not appealing to her…it would be about me.  The only time my mind is ok with “using” a woman for sex is when it is part of a fantasy in my head and the actual physical stimulation is typically being provided by my hand.

5 comments on “Sex with my Ex…Or why a straight guy might switch sides”

  1. That sounds horrendous. I’m surprised you stayed with a woman like that for any length of time at all. Was it always like that? Even in the beginning?

  2. Kind of reminds me of my ex husband. He thought oral sex was “wrong”, masturbating was “wrong”, felt “guitly” if I wanted it doggystyle and really only wanted me to get on top of him and ride while he laid there and did nothing. He was the product of a very religious upbringing so that probably had something to do with it and also found out during our divorce that he had been sexually abused by an older brother.

  3. One thing that WAS different than with many the age at which we started dating. My ex and I started dating when she was 15 and I was 17. In answer to your question, no it wasn’t always like that…technically. When dealing with a virgin there would typically be a learning curve. In the beginning she was eager to try everything and I did not notice any unusual distaste for sex. It was after we moved in together a few years later that I noticed a BIG change in her attitude. To be honest, at that point in my life I put a great deal of weight on the word commitment (living together was akin to being married) so I didn’t even think of having an affair/leaving. I did a lot of reading and whether it was meant as a joke or not…it came across to me that once a woman got married (or living as if so) they lost interest in sex…hence the old adage, “Don’t let her eat the wedding cake”. I simply beleived it was true, that was just the way life was…so I sucked it up (lord knows she wouldn’t lol) and went on with my life. It wasn’t until much later that I literally gave up on her completely.

  4. I am far wiser today than I was back then. It turned out that the innocent girl next door I married WAS a closet alchoholic…and I never knew…so it is quite possible that she was abused in some way or another…that could be a reason for her response being what it was.

  5. My ex was kinda like that and, yep, it’s quite demoralizing… but at least I found out why she was; it didn’t make me feel better but at least I understood. I think it’s almost an ‘automatic’ response for men to lose interest if the person we’re trying to bonk is doing a good imitation of a dead body; we’re horny, sure, but then we kinda ‘feed’ off of the partner’s responses to whatever we’re doing and if they ain’t doing nothing, well, you know what happens.

    I have had sex with a prostitute… but I’ve never paid for it. But these girls have a talent for holding your interest even if they’re not really hyped up about getting nailed – it’s just a job, all about the paper they can make. I would suppose that’s better than having that dead body at home.

    I do know that this is one reason why men cheat or – gasp – start having sex with other guys and, yeah, once you bury the dead body, it can cause some lingering issues going forward – you just gotta get it into you head not to let that fuck with you… then again, if the woman you’re with now is prone to wanting to jump your bones any time, any place, well, losing interest because she’s not interested is no longer a problem, huh?

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