13 Reasons not to choose me as your secret lover

5 comments

This particular profile got me removed from Plentyoffish for being too obscene! What does Markus think that everyone on the site is 12 years old?

1) I’m 5’10” in height.

Most women on dating sites seem to desire a “tall” man. Apparently it’s very erotic to use a step ladder when kissing your man.

2) I’m of average build.

A majority of the women on here seem to want their men “large”, “husky” or “beefy”. Sure, I could use clever semantics and refer to myself as “lean”, but POFers know how to translate that adjective.

3) I’m a 6 incher.

A majority of the women on Craigslist seem to need 7, 8 or 9+ inches. I’m no physician, but wouldn’t that rupture some organs that might be needed in the near future? For respiration possibly? Or how about digestion? My totem pole, much like myself, is also thin. Seems to be a thematic part of my body. I’m God’s action figure and She’s still chuckling…

4) I have an average body.

A majority of women on POF are obsessed with “athletic”, “hot”, “cut” or “built” men. I’m none of those things. Along with being thin, I haven’t approached anything athletic besides climbing the 14 steps into my apartment. I enjoy hiking and bicycling, but in the fast-paced, cut-throat world of contemporary media, you either get the job done or give the job to someone else. I love my work…it just doesn’t love me back with the same appreciation and desire. Thus, everything on my body works (sometimes too well), it just must be placed under “average”.

5) I’m an average pussy eater.

Maybe I just can’t see the clit because I don’t wear my glasses while giving oral. Maybe I wander around too much due to A.D.D. Maybe I just need God to provide an owner’s manual with step by step instructions that aren’t in Arabic. All I know is I try. Oh god do I try. I’ve come very close (so to speak) to making a woman cum. You know that sound when you’re so close to orgasm you can taste it, but he does something stupid and you miss? Hi, how ya doin’? That’s me.

6) I’m losing my hair.

I’m 47 and I’m really starting to lose my hair now. It actually started after the 2nd kidney transplant due to the meds, but it’s now starting to become visible. I can’t shave my head like those other “beefy hunky” guys. I have a thin body and a giant head. I’m the real life Mr. Mackey from South Park.

7) I’m moody.

Sure, I could blame this on the meds again, but I’m also a Gemini. Put that thrilling combination together and you have a roller coaster of emotion that can never find the level part of the track. Kinda like my **** eating…

8) I masturbate…a lot.

Maybe it’s spring arriving. Maybe it’s the meds (doubtful). Maybe I’m just too slackish to talk to the short-haired brunette who smiled at me today. It’s much easier to just grab that image in the photo gallery in my mind and play it back in eight different positions later that night. And in my fantasies, she doesn’t have a problem with #1-7…

9) I’m a self-loather.

See #1-8.

10) I’m a daily fantasizer.

I have met a few women by e-mail on POF who enjoy fantasy as much as I. But when it eventually leads to pushing fantasy into the real world, I panic. My fantasies are so fantastical, so over the top that I could NEVER live up to them. And that just adds to the equation that is #9.

11) I spend way too much time alone.

I had my first hospitalization for kidney problems when I was 12. I spent a lot of lonely days and scary nights away from my family being cared for by people I barely knew. If that doesn’t create some deep, unearthed issues, then you’ve found a therapist who makes house calls. Lonely is more comfortable. Like an old jacket that’s torn with age that’s just too comfortable to dispose of. So it seems my fantasy life began at an early age. And a lifelong nurse fetish began as well…

12) I overcompensate when dating.

I fall for women who give me the time of day rather easily. If I’m attracted and they spend more than an hour or two in my presence, I’m hooked. And then I’m infatuated. Obsessed. Nearly a stalker, but steps away from being arrested. And then they’re gone. Surprise, surprise, surprise…

13) I’m addicted to POF.

I only searched on “Intimate Encounters” a few weeks ago and I’m hooked. I don’t post, I don’t e-mail…I just browse. I occasionally respond to an ad that doesn’t involve numerical statistics or bravado adjectives as the main topic of discussion. Once in a while I hear back. Usually it’s to tell me that they can’t “deal” with one of the numbers above. That’s ok. I understand.

If you respond to any of this I will assume you are one of the following:

1) In dire need of entertainment.
2) Possess 1 or more of the above traits and wish to share.
3) Appreciate honesty above one’s maladies.
4) Are a sadist.
5) Are looking for a subject to compose your master thesis on.
6) Are bored.
7) Masturbate just as often.
8) Are attracted to everything I have listed, but you’re currently in a psychiatric ward somewhere where they allow you access to the internet because they figure “well, we’ve tried everything else”.
9) Are God and wish to apologize…profusely.

5 comments on “13 Reasons not to choose me as your secret lover”

  1. I can’t believe they banned this. It’s probably the most honest thing I’ve ever seen, especially as far as those dating sites go.

    This is hilarious! Seriously. You’re a very funny man. You should add that to your “pros” list. If you haven’t created one yet due to #9, you should.

    As for me, I lived with #5 and #8 for far too long. I am also guilty of #9 and #11.

  2. I confess to being the following on the list at the end of the post: 1,3, 4 (a little), 6 & 7.

    I’m not too worried about thin, average or balding. Moody is fine in small doses and there is nothing wrong with masturbation, so long as you can perform when it’s show time. As for the pussy licking…well perhaps there could be some wriggle room (so to speak) there…

    Maybe this is a good argument for me staying off POF. I don’t fit the mold of females trolling those waters. I find confidence far sexier than anything else. 🙂

  3. This post was written tongue-in-cheek and that being said, MOST of it was made up for effect. What is true is that I spent way too much time on POF and yes I would recommend to ANYONE that they not waste their time on that site…even if they are married.

  4. You might be surprised. I don’t approve every comment that I get and with some of them I just shake my head. What seems to me to be “apparent” humor…to others is the gospel truth. Every once in a while I like to take a moment to assure everyone that I tend to write with more than a hint of sarcasm. ~smile~

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