The Guide to understanding men

One comment

Q: Why are men such jerks?
A: It’s a Testosterone thing. Much similar to your P.M.S. thing, we men suffer from Testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter? And it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure! Hormones modify behavior. We’re just misunderstood.

Q: Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
A: Again, this is a Testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the Testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

Q: Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
A: We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

Q: Why do men always say such stupid things?
A: We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see you frustrated by a few simple (and well-chosen) words.

Q: Why are men so uncommunicative?
A: You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it, you get into trouble with your partner.

Q: Why do men have to act like such retards?
A: Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.

Q: How do men always manage to say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time?
A: Umm… Instinct, natural timing, and lots of practice (not necessarily in that order).

Q: Why can’t men just share their feelings?
A: Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel (and could care less)? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, or disgust, we have no idea how we feel. I personally get a little dizzy whenever I try to figure out how I feel. Generally speaking, I feel mostly annoyed when a woman asks me to share how I feel.

Q: Why can’t men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
A: Please… How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… On the other hand, sitting on our asses for hours on end is a whole other story.

Q: How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
A: Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber-toothed tigers and et cetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

Q: Why do men always speak to my breasts?
A: Boy, aren’t we a little proud of ourselves? Maybe we’re trying to speak to your heart. No? Well, the truth is that for many women, breasts may be the most interesting aspect of their personality. Yes, yes… It depend a lot on the particular woman (and the particular breasts). (See also: Why do men always neglect one breast over another?)

Q: Why do men always neglect one breast over another?
A: It always comes down to personality. There is something unique and special about every breast that gives it its own personality. It’s similar to parents telling their children, “we love you all equally” when it’s the furthest from the truth. Besides, it’s hard for a man to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. Personally, I suspect that most men would be much happier with just a single large perky breast in the middle of the chest.

Q: Why can’t men just say “I love you?”
A: Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that to be a character fault. It’s just not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.

Q: Why do men say “I love you” when they hardly know me?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure-fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

Q: What does it mean when men say “I Love You?”
A: 1 Sleep with me. 2 Please sleep with me. 3 I’m sorry for whatever it is that you think I did. 4 What other woman? 5 I forgot to get you a gift. 6 What? I was listening. I was! I swear! 7th Anniversary? What anniversary? Didn’t we just celebrate one last year? 8 Stop nagging me! 9 What do I have to do to get a beer around here? 10 PLEASE SLEEP WITH ME!

Q: What does it mean when men say, “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now” or “I don’t want a girlfriend?”
A: It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.

Q: What does it mean when men say, “Can we just be friends?”
A: Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.

Q: What does it mean when men tell you that they prefer women who don’t wear a lot of make up?
A: This is our subtle way to tell you that your makeup looks like it was applied by a team of chimpanzees with paint guns. How dare women accuse us men of having no tact?

Q: Why doesn’t my partner ever answer me?
A: We can hear you just fine; we’re just ignoring you. We simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

Q: Why won’t men ever pick up after themselves?
A: Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up when you finally get tired of looking at it.

Q: What’s with all the burping and farting?
A: This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

Q: Why do men hate shopping?
A: Going shopping simply makes no sense of any kind to men. This is comparable to going from restaurant to restaurant, looking at all the food, putting some in your mouth, but never actually swallowing (I won’t even comment on the subject of women and swallowing).

Q: How can men be so inconsiderate in the bedroom?
A: Frankly, I’m hurt that you can even say such a thing. Lets take sex for instance. If a man lasts more than five minutes with you, he’s thinking of nothing but you. To a man, an orgasm is an orgasm, whether achieved after five minutes or an hour of intercourse. Remember that the next time you have sex. We do it all, and we do it for you.

Q: Why can’t men ever leave the toilet seat down?
A: Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the peeing frequency over the sitting frequency. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it’s actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You’re the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. After all, we aim to please.

Q: Why do most men hate fuzzy toilet seat covers?
A: Who wants to pee in front of a guillotine, much less a pink fuzzy one? All the extra fuzz makes it impossible for the toilet seat to stay up properly. You either have to be talented enough to hold it up with one hand while peeing, or you have to really test your aiming and control skills. While most women need fuzzy toilet seat covers to avoid having to sit on a cold toilet seat, men are fortunate enough to have built-in cushioning (read: hair) on their bums.

Q: Why can’t men be more sensitive?
A: We are perfectly capable of being sensitive. We just have no desire to be. Some men actually tried that in the ’80s, but the consensus is that it was a total failure. It turned out that women don’t really want sensitive men. Women only want men not to freak out when women do something stupid like crashing their car or blowing out their best speakers. Otherwise, women want men that won’t think twice before crushing that big hairy spider hiding underneath the toilet.

Q: Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
A: Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don’t walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don’t ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don’t get). What more could any of us males ask for?

Q: Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
A: As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don’t see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.

Q: Why do men like younger women?
A: Well, let’s see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they’re easily impressed. They’re also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. There’s also less evidence of gravity’s handy work on their bodies.

Q: Why do men like older women?
A: Actually, men just like women period. Age actually has very little to do with anything. Unless the particular woman in question resembles Yoda, other factors such as availability or proximity take much more precedence.

Q: How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?
A: Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I’m a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should accept us and love us despite our inherent weakness.

Q: Why do men act like they own the remote control?
A: What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.

Q: Why can’t men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?
A: You’re kidding right? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)

Q: Why do men fear commitment?
A: Don’t be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what ‘commitment’ means and can spell it correctly. Dating is like shopping for an automobile. No matter how good you think this year’s model is, they’re always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there’s a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger… err… I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of the newer models come with fun optional extras like dual air bags.

Q: Do all men really masturbate?
A: Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It’s been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it’ll be passed on to our sons. Although all women inherit the genotype as well, most women don’t express the phenotype until much later in their life cycle.

Q: Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?
A: Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

Q: Why do men generally have better hand-eye motor coordination?
A: It is like with all things. Practice… Practice… Practice… (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

Q: Why are men such dogs?
A: I resent that. Dogs are faithful… loyal… affectionate… and obedient… We men are nothing like dogs.

Q: Why are men so annoying?
A: We’re not. You’re just moody. What? Is it that time of the month again already?

Q: Why do men always assume it’s that time of the month?
A: Well, men are very easily confused. While most months hover around 30 days, most women cycle around the lunar calendar (~28 days). This creates a mismatching cycle that’s just too much for us males to track. It’s simply easier for men to assume that it’s that time of the month. Surprisingly, this form of guesstimate actually works with amazing accuracy.

Q: Why can’t men just be friends (i.e. the sex thing)?
A: Women either talk incessantly about their partner or only call when they’re having relationship trouble. Most women don’t even like being friends with other women. In general, women are catty, petty, competitive, jealous, and gossipy. Why else would men want to be friends with women? (See also: What’s the deal with this male bonding business?)

Q: What’s the deal with this male bonding business?
A: The answer to this question, again lies in men’s evolutionary roots. In prehistorical times when men hunted, in order to be successful, it was often necessary to hunt in packs. Needless to say, women could not come along; excessive chatter and noise alerts the prey and gives away position. This also explains why men do not speak to each other very much when hanging out together. Women, on the other hand, were gatherers. The more they spoke to each other and cooperated, the more successful the gathering. This fundamental difference in behavior explains why women cannot possibly comprehend male bonding. This is also a major reason why men and women can never become ‘just’ friends.

Q: Do men really fake orgasms?
A: Yes. Especially as we get older, if the sex is particularly bad or we realize we’ve made some sort of mistake, we sometimes fake it and try to salvage a good night’s rest.

Q: Why do men lie?
A: We actually prefer not to, but women make us lie. And I quote, “Honey, does this dress make my behind look huge?” or “Do you really think that other woman is more attractive than me?” When we tell you the truth like we don’t want a relationship or that we prefer going out drinking with our buddies, you get mad at us. So we tell you what we think you want to hear. All we’re simply trying to do is to please you.

Q: Why can’t men ever give a straight answer to a simple question?
A: Frankly, your questions aren’t all that simple. In general, when a woman asks a question, she has a correct answer in mind. We men are well aware of this. Therefore, it may take us a while to come up with the right answer. If a question is particularly tough, we may not answer at all.

Q: Can men really die from a lack of sex?
A: To be perfectly honest, the answer is NO. But sometimes it makes us wish we were dead. Actually, sometimes it makes us wish you were dead (or at least unconscious).

Q: When will men ever grow up and mature?
A: Funny you should ask. I just got home from the Boy’s Club™ meeting, and we finally had a vote on this issue. It had been tabled for discussion for quite a while, and it was hard to pass because on such serious issues, we needed more than just a simple majority. Anyhow, it was finally passed; and our final decision is “TOMORROW.” Collectively, we’ll all grow up, be mature, and act responsibly t_o_m_o_r_r_o_w. Tonight we’re hanging out with the guys and going out drinking. And no, you can’t come along.

Q: Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
A: While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.

Q: Why do men think with their groins?
A: I don’t think most women fully appreciate the situation. While we’ve only got ONE brain, we’ve got more than a couple of MILLION sperms! Even if we had good intentions, what chance does it actually have against a couple of million frisky sperms? I believe this is commonly referred to as the tyranny of the majority. It’s simply an inescapable consequence of a voting democracy.

Q: Why do most men name their private parts?
A: Contrary to popular belief, most men don’t actually get to name their private parts. Men have to address our best friend and confidant however he wishes. Why do you think that most of these names start with Mister? The last thing men want is to have their penis mad at them.

Q: Why do most men love beer so much?
A: Well, I can’t actually speak for the rest of the male population, but I personally cannot recall the last time my beer has asked me “Do you know what is wrong with you?” in the midst of my favorite television show.

Q: Why don’t men ever pay attention (i.e. listen)?
A: Men actually do try, but scientific studies show conclusively that extended exposures to long hours of nagging and whining destroys the cilia in the Cochlea (tiny little hairs in the ear responsible for hearing). Haven’t you noticed that it’s always the men that wear the hearing aids whenever you see old couples together?

Q: Why can’t men admit that other men are attractive?
A: While most women assume this to be a homophobic thing, the reality is that men actually have no idea what women consider attractive in other males. Let me illustrate this point by raising some examples that women have claimed to be virile masculine sex symbols: Woody Allen, Patrick Swayze, Burt Reynolds, Michael Douglas, Henry Kissinger, Jean Claude Van Damme, Keanu Reeves, Kurt Russel, Christian Slater, Tom Selleck, etc. (and don’t even start me on Fabio). Generally speaking, after looking at some suggested examples such as these, most men are sent hopelessly into a frenzied spiral of confusion. The corollary to this is that men also cannot tell which females women consider attractive. While it’s easy to tell what men find attractive in females, men are frequently confronted by statements like, “Cindy Crawford? I can’t believe you like her. She’s not even pretty!” My only answer to this is, “I’m sorry. You’re right dear. She’s not attractive at all. Apparently, she’s established a super model career; she gets $10,000 per day; and I’m the only schmuck that thinks she’s attractive. Boy, apparently Revlon thinks I’m a much larger consumer of female cosmetics than I actually am. I’ll call their market research department right away to correct the mistake.”

Q: Why are men so fond of speaking in sport metaphors?
A: All groups utilize jargon to identify and differentiate group members from non-group members. Jargon is also used to communicate in a way that’s cryptic to non-group members. Men speak in sport metaphors for much of the same reason. While this behavior not only reaffirms men’s membership in the group, it also serves to alienate most women from the conversation. As a result, speaking in sport metaphors are highly encouraged by other males.

Q: Why do most men watch so much sports?
A: While most women assume this behavior is caused by men’s natural inclination to athletic activities, this is an errant assumption. In order to effectively communicate with other males (via sports metaphors), men need to watch every possible sporting event to keep up with the necessary facts and stats. This is much similar to attending trade shows and subscribing to trade magazines. Excessive use of outdated sports metaphors is heavily frowned upon. However, occasional use of an outdated and highly obscure sports metaphor is highly revered. The corollary to this is that men who do not watch sports generally do not have many male friends. Another upside of watching sports is that it serves as a valid excuse to ignore your mate for hours at a time.

Q: Why won’t men ever stop to ask for directions?
A: Where do you think we would be today if Christopher Columbus had stopped and asked for directions? While the old frontier days are over, this evolutionarily honed genetic instinct to explore doesn’t simply go away. Men are still very much true to their nomadic roots. Especially armed with the modern knowledge that the Earth is round, no self-respecting man will ever stop to ask for directions again either!

Q: Why do men say they’ll call, and then NOT call?
A: Have you ever seen a lizard shed its tail for a quick get away? Well, this is the men’s version. The male in question, desperate for a quick getaway, distracts the female with a quick line like “I’ll call you,” and thanks his lucky stars that women still actually believe this line. Remember that day in seventh grade when they separated the boys and the girls? This is one of the things they taught the little boys to never forget. Over the ages, this line has been updated to keep up with the times. I believe the original line was something like, “I’ll swing by your tree tomorrow.”

Q: Why are most men so afraid of liberated women?
A: What are you talking about? Men love women who are free enough to run around without a bra. We just have to draw the line somewhere, such as facial and/or leg hair.

Q: What do men talk about after a date?
A: Nothing. We don’t talk about dates unless we got lucky. Then and only then, the only question that is asked is the attractiveness of the female in question. This is important for score keeping purposes as it helps to calculate the degrees of difficulty.

Q: Why is it so hard to find a funny, intelligent, nice, sensitive, and single man?
A: The answer is actually quite simple. It all boils down to the law of supply and demand. If women truly wanted men who are funny, intelligent, nice, and sensitive, there would be a much greater supply. However, since women are actually more attracted to material wealth, muscular mass, or men who mistreat them, this explains the abundant supply of men who are workaholics, muscle heads, or total jerks.

1 comments on “The Guide to understanding men”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.