Trigger points

9 comments

Something happened today, actually my wife said something today that bothered me.  She said, “I’m tired…I’m tired of my life”  I asked her, “Why” to which she replied, “I just am”.

She wasn’t tired of her life when we went out for dinner last night.
She didn’t seem tired of her life sporting her Canada Goose coat and Louis Vuitton bag that I bought her for Christmas as we walked the mall last night.
She wasn’t tired of her life when I washed the kids dishes when we came home last night.
She wasn’t tired of her life when I rubbed her legs before she went to sleep.
She wasn’t tired of her life when I turned off the TV early so she could sleep.
She wasn’t tired of her life this morning when I snuck out and started the car so it would be warm.

We have no real problems regarding parenting the children, have no money or intimacy issues. We had no arguments, no issues that were apparent…but out of the blue, “She’s tired of her life”.

This is not the first time that she has said something like this, she has made the comment before, “I wish I could just go home” (meaning back to her homeland) “and get away from everyone”  Subsequent conversation suggested she meant alone…no kids…no husband. I would say that she will make a comment like this twice a year…and I never know how to respond or if I should at all.

I’m not sure where these “outbursts” come from.  I’m not sure if is hormonal, not sure if it is for attention, not sure if she is vocalizing raw thought but her choice of words is unnerving to me.

The problem with me is…I am tired of trying to decipher what women mean when they say or do something like this.

Part of me wants to comfort her…seems to me like something is bothering her…yet when I have tried to in the past, it is typically met with more “seemingly senseless outbursts” which tend to irritate me further.

The other part of me wants to say something equally senseless (how do YOU like it?) and ask her if she would like me to buy her a one way ticket.

What I do in reality is nothing…I listen…I don’t respond…I don’t get drawn in…and typically I won’t hear anything like this for another 6 months.

The problem is the effects on me are cumulative.  I am afraid one day I might come to the conclusion based on all of the hints she provided…that she in fact doesn’t have what I would consider commitment to “us” and really means what she says in these cases.

If the woman who you are with “Is tired of her life” and “wishes she could leave and never come back” then why shouldn’t I make alternate plans myself?  Sitting around waiting to be broadsided is what I typically did in the past…and I don’t wish to repeat it.

All in all it comes across to me as a slap in the face…whether that was her intention or not and in the process she chips away at my overall trust in her…at this rate it would take a LONG time before I would make any rash decisions…but once again I am shaking my head wondering why this was necessary in the first place?

 

“Imagination is more important than knowledge.  Knowledge is limited; imagination encircles the world.”
Albert Einstein

9 comments on “Trigger points”

  1. I think the problem with men is that they think these comments have something to do with THEM. Not true at all. Get out of your narcissistic head for a second. I know that sounds horrible and harsh. I like you. Really. But, seriously, comments like that have nothing to do with your or her committment to you. Rather, they are about HER.

    I have occasionally had thoughts like that. Let me decipher it for you. It most likely means that she is feeling like she isn’t fulfilling her own potential in some way. It’s not really about being unhappy with you so much as it is about feeling stuck and predictable and not like the person she had hoped to be in her own head as a teenager (or young adult or whatever age). When I get like that I am most likely a little bored with the same old, same old and wishing I (and my life) was more exciting.

    Other times I really just need “me time” away from everyone. It’s not about you. Really. Listen to me. But sometimes we just have fantasies of selling everything we own and taking off with nothing but the clothes on our backs. It’s just a fantasy – we love our lives too much to REALLY do that. But sometimes we wish we had the guts to be the type of person who could just reinvent themselves, let go, and do nothing but have fun. We know we aren’t that person. We know we can’t be that person. We even know that being that person wouldn’t make us happy because we would miss what we have far too much.

    But haven’t you ever just had a fantasy for YOU? That didn’t mean you didn’t love your life or your wife or your kids or you home. Haven’t you ever been bored? Felt stuck? That’s most likely where she is. Try doing something different and out of the box. Surprise her with something you wouldn’t normally do – a food, day trip, something fun she has wanted to do but hasn’t found the time for… THAT is what I would like when I get in a funk like that.

  2. Experienced husbands don’t assume that such a statement has to do with them. My ex used to say that and at a time when, to me, there was nothing amiss in her life or ours as a couple. Early on in the marriage, oh, I fretted and, yeah, thought it had something to do with me. However, as the years went on, I’d hear her say this, think about what’s going on with her at that time and, usually, I’d just shrug, ask her a few questions – then shrug some more because she’s just expressing how she feels; I don’t have to fix anything and whatever made her say it got resolved by her.

    My current wife says it, too, and the first thing she says is, “It doesn’t have anything to do with you – I’m just not a happy camper right now.” The only thing I say is, “Okay, so… what would make you happy?”

  3. My first two years here were horrible. I missed being back in Canada so much that it made me hate the USA even more and everything here sucked – everything. I still have grandparents that live, lots of family and friends and flying back and forth is just getting too expensive – if I could fly back and forth, when would it stop? How often would I go? I’ve missed weddings, funerals, births and graduations. I do not know where she is from or how long she has been there but from experience I can say that being severed from my homeland and culture has left a hole. This past summer was the first summer I started appreciating being here and everything my husband has done for me.

    Also from experience I had to teach myself to do the opposite of what I had always done in the past – that means I actually did have to sit and talk to my husband about it. It was great, he listened and we came up with a few ideas… he got me a huge xmas tree at Christmas, hung pictures of family all over the place… and I am not picking on you one bit for feeling what you feel, just reading this I felt uneasy because of my own experiences (and yeah I hated this place so much I had come up with a plan to move back home) but with x amount of marriages and ladies behind you, why not talk to her? I know it might open flood gates of HER talking, but that might be good too, I just think before the back burner option takes root in your head and you start thinking the worst it might be worth a try and say ‘hey, you said something the other day, and it has been bothering me and I would like to tell you how that made me feel’ to say it won’t make you start ovulating or anything. This is how my husband approached me.

    The comment above, while it too makes sense(?), gives me more pause because to me that line of reasoning is exactly what breeds resentment. “… being that person wont make us happy..” then what the hell will?! If someone doesn’t even know what it is then man we are in for a world of hurt. Having a fantasy absent your partners if perfectly natural but saying that your life sucks, ie a life with that partner, isn’t something someone should say out loud or at least they should know it hurts.

    Don’t feel fulfilled? – then do something about it. Want an adventure then plan one (after all there are kids involved). The more we keep shopping and spending trying to get these feelings to go away, the more it makes things worse. And I am going to tell you something I have never said online before: after 13 years of a lovely partnership with the best man on the planet, who never once even argued with me and gave me EVERYTHING I wanted/needed and more, I did pack a bag, with what money I had in hand and the shoes on my feet, I left. That was only five years ago.

    Talk to her man – best thing you find out she’s upset over something else and the worst is send the kids to their father and go on a trip…or take them? I don’t know but no, we ladies don’t hate our lives just because, we know exactly why we hate it and before it turns outwards on to you I would at least try to get to the bottom of it. I don’t like feeling that someone was with me because I was the safe bet… even if they do love me but bottling up crap doesn’t work either. Good luck.

  4. Ms. Connection,
    I have presented a similar situation before and the response that I received from a female reader was the same as yours; that being not to assume that her “mood” had anything to do with me. Herein lays the problem:
    In my experience women that I have been in a relationship with do use the cold shoulder technique, or other assorted means of showing displeasure when it DOES have something to do with me. I have even delved further from time to time to get to the root of the problem and have been assured that “it has nothing to do with you!”
    Phew!
    Then to find out at another time that yes…in fact the last time I got a dose of her “moodiness” WAS in fact because she was upset at me. WTF?

    Typically I don’t assume when she gets upset that it has anything to do with me…or not to do with me…it is about the WAY in which she expresses displeasure (and has not only been her) that bothers me. Yes it bothers me. I don’t do things like that. I don’t give her the cold shoulder because I am upset with her…and definitely not if I am upset with a co-worker…I communicate.

    I don’t make random (stupid) statements that have no (seemingly) real connection to anything that is happening at that moment.
    “I wish I was dead”
    “I wish I could just get up and leave, go away and be by myself on an island”
    “I’m tired of my life”

    I understand boredom, understand wanting change, understand lethargy, understand wanting to achieve something, understand wanting to follow new paths…I don’t understand suddenly using the words, “I’m tired of my life” randomly, without warning, no build up at a highly unusual moment in time as a way of expressing herself. I don’t understand because I don’t do that.

    Fantasies…yes. I would assume that most people have a fantasy dream life they might wish to experience or a fantasy escape from their problems…or escape from it all…BUT presenting as desire to get away from it all…verbally…in a negative context…to your partner…may not be a great idea.

    IF your partner was to tell you one moment…”I look forward to our future together, I can imagine us sitting on the dock drinking coffee” and the same day stating, “I’m tired of my life”, how would you digest this? Are the two thoughts not polar opposite? What would you say? What would you do? Just don’t assume that this sudden switch in mindset has anything to do with you….

    When you made your comments…I understand exactly what you are stating…it is clear and concise. The problem that I have is when the woman that I am living with uses “illogical” means of communication. It has happened with every woman I have ever lived with.
    I still just wish…call it a fantasy of sorts…that my wife (like the wives before her) could be more straight forward about what they are thinking….and be able to elaborate a bit on why they might be “tired of life”. I personally feel it would go a long way in improving our overall level of communication.

    The way that I deal with this in the meantime…right or wrong…is I ignore her. I don’t mean I completely ignore her, rather I just carry on like she never uttered the words.

    1. Oh, I completely agree with you on the straight-forward thing. I am usually painfully straight-forward. I used to get complaints about it, so I tried to temper it. Then I decided I don’t give a damn. I’ll just say it like it is for me – with tact, of course. It’s always easier than thinking our partners can somehow guess what we’re thinking or feeling.

      The “I wish I were dead” stuff is concerning. Sounds like it may be a clinical depression type of thing. Which, again, would have nothing to do with you. Not saying that it couldn’t – I just don’t see it as the most likely thing. Nowhere in any of those statements do I see a reference to you. I understand how our past experiences can change our perspective. I’m sorry you have dealt with passive aggressive women before, but I assure you that we all aren’t that way.

      As for the “cold shoulder,” I didn’t get that from your original post. Its possible that she is doing that if there are other behaviors that lead you to feel that way. Just having a bad day due to a crappy coworker and needing time to decompress isn’t necessarily the cold shoulder, though… At least for me it wouldn’t be. Usually when that happens I am pretty up front, though. I know I have told K on at least one occasion – “I’m having a bad day, so I’m probably not the best person to talk to right now. Give me a few hours, time under a blanket, a glass or two of wine, and a Grey’s Anatomy fix before you try me again. Otherwise, I apologize in advance that I’m not a ball of sunshine.”

      I will say that if your fantasy is to have more and better communication with your wife, your “ignoring it” tactic isn’t likely to work. LOL. Have you tried being as straight-forward with her as you wish she would be with you?

  5. Ms. Pyx,

    I do and will continue to talk with her…and listen. If I were to write this same blog say ten years ago it would be me that wasn’t doing the talking. I have always been the one accused of not communicating effectively. I didn’t say “unwarranted” things…I just stopped talking. I found discussing feelings to be difficult…bordering on impossible. I met someone (before my wife) that explained to me in a clear and concise fashion just how frustrating I was. From that point on I have made a habit of being free in discussing my feelings…and still do today. I would say in my current relationship that I am the talker whereas she is the more reserved one.

    I’m not giving up on her, not specifically ignoring her concerns but these things do bother me…that was my overall point here. I have an advantage over her as well when it comes to venting frustrations…I have this blog…she only has me.

  6. Yes, I have tried in these situations “being as straight-forward with her as you wish she would be with you?” but that in itself is the problem. Something seemingly so simple (to me anyways) and it is as if we are from different planets with no real means of coming to a (hate to say this) logical conclusion. I am sure it will come with time….I have faith.

    Anyways, not a deal breaker…just frustrating…and sharing this is a lot more interesting than my posting every day, “Nothing to report…all is well…carry on”
    ~smile~

    I 100% agree that she try blogging….but she doesn’t even know what a blog is…yet!

  7. If I said something like that I would probably want some sympathy and understanding then a question like what do you think we could do to make your life more exciting or fulfilling? And maybe a little brainstorming.

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