Shaken not stirred

I had been an avid reader, occasional poster and extremely rare responder to the POF personals for about a decade.  I check back every once in a while for my amusement and noticed some more common (and hilarious) threads of interest among the “married-but-looking” women. I’d like to take a minute to break it down for you, so you can recognize the following horrific cliches and just maybe avoid them in your own profiles.

“Seeking a man that’s at least 6 feet tall. I like to wear high heels”
Damn, totally out of luck here. I’m only 5’10 or maybe 5’9′, apparently equaling “somewhere between midget and elf, and therefore undateable”, even though the average North American male height is 5’10…6 feet tall? What kind of shoes are you wearing anyway? Some shit from the lunar landing? Next…

“Must love animals”
Great… You mean I have to pretend to like your floofy poodle/chihuahua/norway rat mixed breed long enough to maybe earn some kisses? Or that huge mastiff that’s physically capable of kicking me out of your bed? How about the cat that’s contemplating using my balls as a scratching post every time I walk around in my boxers? I think I’ll exit stage right before the fucker eats my socks again.

“Looking for a God-fearing man”
I get the biggest kick out of this one. Why would you be afraid of your own imaginary friend? Seems like you’d better imagine something a little less hostile. I’d suggest Papa Smurf.

“Must like the outdoors”
Barring a select few dweebs I’ve met that live in their parents’ basement and mainline Mountain Dew so they can play World of Warcraft for 87 hours straight, most human beings like being outside at some point. Sure, I’ll go for a day hike with you. Does that mean I want to live in the woods for a month and wipe my ass with a pine cone? No thanks!

“Looking for friends first”
Cool, I’m always down for more friends. Wait, what’s that you say? Your hot friend Brittany is single? Excuse me while I ask her for her phone number.

“Must love children”
Unlike the mighty lion (who will kill and eat cubs from rival males) I say the more kids, the better! We can open our own sweatshop and they can make you shoes. I call being the manager!

“I like having fun”
Whew, what a relief! I’m meeting too many people these days that think having fun sucks. I’m a big fan of fun myself! We have so much in common.

“Must like to dance”
Really? Have you ever met a straight guy that wants to go dancing? Wait, I take that back. I do know one guy, but he’s from Puerto Rico or something. Come to think of it, he’s probably gay. That’s right, Jorge – I’ve got you figured out.

“I like going out, but also enjoy staying in for a quiet night at home”
That’s great, because staying home or going out and doing something are pretty much the only two options you have.

So in conclusion, I say the luck of the Irish be with you lovely ladies in your search for a badass Daniel Craig-era James Bond lookalike that will dance the Macarena with Mr. Cuddlekins the Poodle whilst purchasing you an all-expenses-paid vacation to Maui. Just keep in mind that Mr. Bond is only 5’10.