Dear Diary

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AGE NINE: My legs really hurt. Mom tells me it means I’ll grow up to be really tall but some nights all I can do is stay up and cry.
AGE TEN: If I had $5 I would buy enough candy to last a week.
AGE ELEVEN: I wish dad would stop yelling at mom.
AGE TWELVE: I wish dad would stop yelling at me and hitting me. I can’t wait to be thirteen so things will be different.
AGE THIRTEEN: I had my first date and had no clue what to do. For my birthday I got a Nintendo. I love comic books.
AGE FOURTEEN: Man, I hate school! I have to spend four more years here? This place sucks!
AGE FIFTEEN: Mom and dad are divorcing. Why the hell did they get married in the first place? Now I’ll have to deal with all this bullshit. I’m never getting married. Oh yeah, I kissed a girl. I don’t think she liked it.
AGE SIXTEEN: Screw this place! I’m going to blow up the school.
AGE SEVENTEEN: Just one more year and I’m out of here. I can’t wait to get the fuck out of this place. At least dad’s not around anymore. I saw a girl naked. It was pretty hot.
AGE EIGHTEEN: THANK GOD! Finally! Get me the hell out of here.
AGE NINETEEN: Lost my virginity. That’s what the big deal was about? Hope I didn’t get her pregnant. If I had $50 I would buy a bag of weed.
AGE TWENTY: There’s so much I’m going to do! I’ve got my whole life ahead of me and I’m at the beginning of the journey. Look at all those morons working jobs they hate, I’m going to do what I’m meant to do and I’m going to love it.
AGE TWENTY ONE: Got a job until I graduate and make some money. Not so great but it’s only temporary. My girlfriend keeps asking about marriage. Guess I’ll have to dump her.
AGE TWENTY TWO: Got the diploma, left my job and moved. It’s great out here on my own, doing what I like far away from everyone. Mom calls a lot. I haven’t heard from dad in years. It’s hard to meet girls here.
AGE TWENTY THREE: I haven’t been laid in eight months. That’s the longest stretch I’ve ever gone. Masturbation is a wonderful thing. and PlayStation. and beer. Got a job. It’s not in my field but it pays the bills.
AGE TWENTY FOUR: The right job will come along, all I have to do is be patient. Met a woman, she’s in her thirties. This should be fun.
AGE TWENTY FIVE: If I had $500 I’d pay for rent. Dad got remarried. I didn’t go to the wedding since I was working. Mom is drinking too much.
AGE TWENTY SIX: I love the internet. What’s this site Plentyoffish? Interesting…
AGE TWENTY SEVEN: Found a new apartment, new couch, new job (not in my field) on Craigslist. Found a new girlfriend too but after we had sex I’m returning her for a different one.
AGE TWENTY EIGHT: Girlfriend keeps bringing up moving in together. I’m only twenty-eight, is she kidding? I’m not ready to settle down.
AGE TWENTY NINE: Broke up with girlfriend. Should be easy to find another one. Still haven’t found that job. I’ve been kind of an asshole, I should probably give all my old girlfriends a call and see what they’ve been up to. Did I really spend three years on Plentyoffish? Fuck I’m almost thirty…
AGE THIRTY: This isn’t so bad. Is this what we were all afraid of? I’m surprised I’ve lived to see it with everything I did in my twenties. Things aren’t so bad. I was a real idiot when I was nineteen and twenty.
AGE THIRTY ONE: What’s with all the women I’m meeting? Is everyone divorced? Why are women sleeping with so many men? Oh, wait…
AGE THIRTY TWO: Why are women sleeping with each other? I’ve gotten much better at sex and have a great, mature girlfriend. She loves wine and spending weekends on the Cape. I no longer meet women on the computer. Most of them approach me. I’ve gotten much better at sex.
AGE THIRTY THREE: Jesus Christ, Bruce Lee, John Belushi and Chris Farley never made it past thirty-three. Took a risk and am changing careers. It’s a long time in coming but there’s no time like the present. If I had $5,000 I’d buy my graduate school tuition.
AGE THIRTY FOUR: Not a lot of doors open for a thirty-four year old with a spotty resume. They’d rather hire a college graduate that will work for nothing. Wish I made better decisions.
AGE THIRTY FIVE: Guess I should get married. She’ll leave me if I don’t. Nothing else to do. Got golf clubs for my birthday. I don’t even play.
AGE THIRTY SIX: What happened? Looked in the mirror, hair missing, wrinkles, getting fat. At least I’m working.
AGE THIRTY SEVEN: If I’d known marriage was this great I would have done it long ago. Wife’s wonderful in bed. Too bad she’s pregnant.
AGE THIRTY EIGHT: Do I really want to be a dad? Guess it’s too late to answer that question. If I had $50,000 I’d put it towards a new house.
AGE THIRTY NINE: I can’t do this. All the other parents are so much younger. I waited too late. Cute kid though. Fuck, I’m almost forty…
AGE FORTY: Here it is, officially the halfway point. Can’t say I’m not happy about that. Wife is getting on my nerves. She spends too much time with the kid and ends up screaming at me. I probably scream at her too.
AGE FORTY ONE: Got a new house, new car and a promotion. I love my lawn. I love my new secretary too- a cute college intern. I still got it. Wife pregnant again.
AGE FORTY TWO: Dad died. I didn’t go to his funeral but went to his grave afterwards. Poor fucker. I kinda know how he felt.
AGE FORTY THREE: We sleep in different rooms now. She would rather stay near the crib than next to me. I fixed up the basement real nice and spend most of my time down there.
AGE FORTY FOUR: We fight all the time now. Why did I ever get married? What was going through my head? Work is laying people off, I lost my secretary and am spending my nights jacking off to the computer in the basement.
AGE FORTY FIVE: The kid is doing really well. Good for him. He is on teams after school and has lots of friends. He doesn’t want me around anymore.
AGE FORTY SIX: Mom died. Went to her funeral alone. Got drunk and cried in the basement.
AGE FORTY SEVEN: Wife left me. Can’t say I didn’t see it coming. Guess I’ll have to wait for the divorce papers.
AGE FORTY EIGHT: Weeks and weeks of court bullshit just because she wants to be a bitch. I’m not giving her anything more than I have to and if she thinks she’s getting the kids she’s fucked in the head.
AGE FORTY NINE: Kids decided to go with ex-wife. Probably a good thing. At least no one will want her, old and fat with two kids. Taken up golf. It’s a lot of fun.
AGE FIFTY: This is my life? I always thought I would have someone to grow old with?
AGE FIFTY ONE: My son is really growing up. He’s a great kid, a little hell raiser just like I was. Always seems so nervous around me though. I wish we were closer.
AGE FIFTY TWO: Laid off from my job. Got a pretty good severance package so I could retire if I want but retire to what?
AGE FIFTY THREE: This country is going to hell. What the hell is wrong with people? I’m not voting for that guy that wants men to marry men and pay lazy people to do nothing.
AGE FIFTY FOUR: Moving out of here. Too many memories. Maybe I’ll go out west.
AGE FIFTY FIVE: Lost touch with the kids. Maybe they’ll come to my funeral. It’s cold at night so I turn the heat way up.
AGE FIFTY SIX: R.I.P. Died in house fire while asleep.

1 comments on “Dear Diary”

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