25 things you probably didn’t want to know about vaginas

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1. The term “clam bake” originated when a drunken tart attempted to smoke marijuana with her vagina.

2. Vaginas can grow up to 400 pounds in the wild.

3. 93.6% of vaginas belong to women. The other 6.4% belong to lesbians.

4. Approx 49% of people have an “outy” vagina, sometimes called a “penis”, causing brain damage.

5. Vaginas dilate quite a bit when they’re giving birth and just a little when they’re getting pregnant. There is always a 10:1 ratio

6. True vagina facts: if you hold a vagina up to your ear, you can smell the sea.

7. Much like a squirrel, a vagina is capable of emitting special low-frequency sounds that only other vaginas can hear.

8. Vaginas are the cause of every problem ever… Err wait. You wanted a fake fact. Never mind.

9. Nine out of ten women own and operate their own vagina yet few actually have the pink slip.

10. A vagina is actually a fruit and not a vegetable.

11. No two vaginas are exactly alike and each has its own distinctive scent code by which it can be identified in a field of up to 10,000 vaginas. After 10,000 it all starts to smell like Coney Island.

12. Every vagina contains an entire community with thousands of species of flora and fauna in a tiny ecosystem so complete that it can withstand the devastating invasion of a penis and still maintain its social order and biochemical equilibrium.

13. Queefs are the vagina’s way of communicating with others of its kind, though modern science has yet to decipher the complex language it uses. Many still believe they are simply pussy farts.

14. There is no such thing as a bad vagina, just misunderstood or mishandled vaginas.

15. The word vagina is derived from “vague-ina” meaning “little vague thing”, due to the lack of understanding of this complex organ that was prevalent at the time the word was first invented some 4,000 years after the vagina was first discovered.

16. The vagina of a tuna fish smells distinctly like a human being, when canned and preserved in vegetable oil.

17. A vagina can survive for nine days without its head before it starves to death, whereas the penis becomes really annoying and grumpy after just 24 hours without head, and claims it will die after 32 hours.

18. The menstrual cycle of the vagina, though once believed to be a discarding of the lining of the uterus and egg, has recently been found to be the result of a periodic war between various bacterium which normally coexist peacefully in the vaginal ecosystem. At the peak of this internal conflict much bloodshed occurs causing menstrual bleeding.

19. The vagina contains 319 g-spots the majority of which lie dormant while only two, the one directly behind the clitoris, and the one at the top of the cervical opening induce pleasure when stimulated. The purpose of the other 317 g-spots is believed to be to inspire sexual partners to explore the vagina in an attempt to awaken their pleasure-giving capacity.

20. Vaginal moisture is the result of the vagina walls drooling in anticipation of being penetrated by a tasty penis.

21. The average vagina is approximately one centimeter shallower than the average penis is long. The purpose of this discrepancy is to prevent the woman from continually shouting “MORE! MORE!” during sex which is really exasperating when you’re already giving her everything you’ve got.

22. If you took all the vaginas on earth and laid them next to each other you’d die of exhaustion.

23. The ancient ‘vagina dentata’ myth (i.e., that some women have vaginas with teeth) started as a way to scare young men from having sex with strange women.

24. God didn’t actually create the vagina.  He asked his chief engineer to design it… Who else would build a recreation area next to a sewage dump?

25. Female koala bears (which are marsupials not bears) have two vaginas. Male koalas have a forked penis.

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