Almost like a dream


Few people that we meet in life have a tremendous effect on our life as a whole.  In my life, you would be one of those people.  You have been by far the most influential person in my life….from the inside out. The life I enjoy today is for a large part because of what you taught me.  Where it would be considered normal if one made some changes in attitude or demeanor while in the presence of another, to continue to have someone in the past influence one’s daily life is I think remarkable.

I have had many people ask me “whatever happened to….” and then continue by offering  their infinite words of wisdom as to how things really were and how I am better off today.  What they fail to realize is how much of a part you played in making me the person that I am.
I didn’t change so much when I was with you yet today I find myself almost every day asking myself what you might think, say or do in a certain situation.
The thing is, regardless of the opinions of others, what matters to me is what you meant to me and how much you meant to me.

I was talking to a friend of mine last week.  This gentleman is one of the few Caucasian persons that I have a chance to talk to when attending a party.  We typically excuse ourselves and find a restaurant so to escape the party, have a drink and chat. He is 81 years old yet acts and reacts more like a 40-year-old.  Last week’s conversation centered around our lives and love.  This particular individual has an uncanny way of making one feel comfortable enough to really open up.
He asked me if I had ever met anyone that I was “head over heels” in love with.  He continued with, “you know, someone who you are just in awe of, you are crazy about, you just cannot get them out of your mind and you adore everything about them.”
I said yes that I had met that person once in my life, not so long ago and that if it were not for her I most likely would not be sitting there talking to him.
I have heard of people who suffer some traumatic or painful experience in their life and in order to avoid their suffering they create a psychological block so that they no longer have to deal with it.  To a certain extent I did the same, not to avoid pain but to keep my memories of what will most likely be the most memorable years of my life…intact…the way that I want to remember.

As you know I was not really good at really communicating my inner thoughts while you knew me.  I can understand this to be frustrating at best…yet I don’t think that I ever really wanted to face the truth when it came to you and I.  I was happier just being in that dreamy state where the rest of the world(and reality) didn’t have any place or effect on this dream.
Knowing you, loving you was the most intensely pleasurable time in my life by far…and at the same time when I stopped holding my breath for long enough to allow the reality to shine through…the most frustrating and depressing. Today though when I think back I still only think of the pleasure of knowing your acquaintance.

It wasn’t until you started doing some things in your life that I started to snap out of it if you will.  I realized that our realities were different and that what we shared was in fact in another dimension…almost like a dream.  A dream from which I had no desire to wake from.
I remember that you said on more than one occasion that we shared something that most people could only dream of…maybe one has to know how to dream in order to share on that level.
I realized that I had to make changes in my reality to ensure that in fact I might have a life…so to speak.  I felt the only way that I could move forward (as I felt I was sinking in quicksand in reality) was to wake up from the dream and get on with MY life.  To be honest I think that in itself was the most emotionally painful situation I have ever experienced.  While relatively easy to walk away from those that we feel contempt for, to try to separate from someone who you actually hoped could be in your life forever is another matter.

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