These simple tricks, learned from my lengthy sessions at various online dating websites for, umm…research purposes, will have you dating “Mr. Right” in no time:
Section 1: THE PICTURE
1. Do not post a picture that includes your friend that is hotter than you. This will only make us want to date them instead; or better yet let us meet them before we come to that conclusion. Also, please do not include a picture of yourself with some random guy. He may be just a friend to you, but he’s competition to me. I dislike him already.
2. Always preview your picture to make sure it doesn’t look weird and twisted when it is reduced to thumbnail size.
You may look great when it’s full size, but look like a pregnant, trailer-trash Britney once POF has worked its magic.
3. A fact you may or may not know: Most guys can spot the now-ubiquitous push-up bra. Yes, I did my (admittedly enjoyable) research. A big, bold smile will get you farther than an inflated chest, though we do often appreciate the effort.
4. Do not write about how sexy or good looking you are in your profile. That’s what the picture is for. If you need to say you’re good looking, you’re probably not.
5. Always use a real picture of yourself, not someone else. If you really are “Miss November”…be honest. I have larger fold-out picture of you on my bathroom wall and can “get to know you better” from that rather than the little one you have on your profile. You really may be “Miss November” but chances are when I meet you you will look more like my mom.
Section 2: THE HEADLINE
Avoid writing cliche lines like, “looking for a partner in crime”, “I work hard and play hard”, “I like a night on the town and I like a quiet night at home”. Not only does it sound stupid; it makes you sound like you have the personality of a wet paper towel.
All you are apt to get from me is a sarcastic response:
“I am looking for someone who is comfortable painting the town red or curling up and watching a movie”
Wow, I don’t know anyone who likes doing both of those extremely unusual things.
“I hate writing these things or I don’t like talking about myself”
If you don’t like you, why should I.?
“If you’re into head-games…pass me by”
Do you really think that people who play head games know they’re doing it or they would admit to it anyways? It’s up to you to see them coming.
“I love to laugh and have a good time”
Yeah…because most people hate having fun.
“I love life and am looking for someone with similar interests”
I love life too…I can see we have lots in common…let’s sleep together!
“I have a great sense of humor”
Apparently sense of humor is no longer individualistic and subjective because everybody has a great one these days.
“I tend to enjoy the simpler things in life”
You are going to LOVE me then. I am as simple as they get.
Damn! Thanks for telling me. I was hoping you were a ” let’s have sex and ask for names later” type of girl…just my lousy luck!
“I never thought I’d end up doing this”
Oh poor you… relegated to the ranks of internet dating with the rest of us undesirables.
Section 3: THE WRITTEN PROFILE
1. Choose your profile nickname carefully. You might think “MILF4U” appeals to men but if you think MILF means “Mature, Intellectual, Loving Female” you might not get the responses you expect.
2. Learn how to use a calculator to perform simple conversions. You look hot and well-proportioned in your picture, but in reality you’re somehow 4 feet tall, and weigh a whopping 250 lbs. Be realistic. You might think men are stupid, but they are not blind.
3. Do not use “LOL” after every line you write in communication. If you write LOL after everything you’ve written, it makes what might have been funny NOT FUNNY AT ALL. We are not members of a studio audience that needs to be told when to laugh.
4. Spell check, spell check, spell check. Hell, throw in a grammar check if you’re feeling feisty. This is a must. We don’t want to read about how you are so “sexi and craze,” and how you want a man who’ll “treet me rite.” If you want to be taken seriously, you have to come off somewhat serious (and mildly coherent).
5. We really don’t want to hear about how many “clubz” you like to go to with your “girlsz” or “boyz”.
This just makes you sound fourteen. Since when did “Z” replace the letter “S”? By the way, “ya” and “da” are NOT words.
6. Know what you want up front. The online dating arena has its own set of rules so when choosing your “seeking” selection please use the one that most closely describes what you are seeking:
Companionship without commitment? Is that with or without sex? Do you want long-term and sex? Is that with or without commitment? Friend with benefits? Benefits without friendship? Marriage? Is that marriage with or without fidelity?
You think I’m kidding don’t you?
7. If you are “married but looking” do a double take of your profile to make sure the wording makes sense:
“I promise you my honesty and sincerity, and I expect the same from you.”
Didn’t you already say this to someone once…a long time ago? Is that irony, hypocrisy…or both? Hmmmm
Section 4: EXPECTATIONS
1. Be realistic in your expectations. I know you may be looking for a tall, athletic, well-endowed, well-educated, successful George Clooney look-alike; but this is a free dating site and if you were really worthy of George you probably wouldn’t be on here in the first place.
2. Again, be realistic in your expectations. I see many ads looking for a policeman, a fireman or a man in uniform. Statistically there are 3 men in uniform for every 1000 persons. One of the three is probably gay. That means your odds of finding one aren’t that good. I did get a ticket from a man in a uniform the other day…and I can relate the story to you in explicit detail when we meet. That should be enough for you.
Section 5: THE RESPONSE
1. If a potential “Mr. Right” sends you an introductory note and you don’t feel he is your type, don’t just delete it without the courtesy of a response. Better to respond to the poor fool, let him know what a loser you think he is so he can give up hope, get off of here, and find someone really nice in the “real” world.
2. My personal favorite is the UNREAD DELETED response. You don’t have time to even read what this poor fool has written to you. You already know what they have written…don’t you?
He can see that you are beautiful but you have ESP too? Wow! You ARE special! No wonder you don’t have time for him.
I hope this little guide has helped you out, made you laugh, or both. I mean no offense to anyone…just a tongue-in-cheek look at the online dating arena.
Best of luck to all!