According to her…
It understands if I’m suddenly no longer in the mood.
It would never dream of cheating on me
It’s always ready, willing and able.
It’s never rough or angry.
It never gives me the silent treatment.
It never treats me like shit for no reason.
It never bosses me around.
It never stops doing what it’s doing, right when I’m about to come.
It costs very little to maintain.
It never hogs the remote.
It doesn’t make requests.
It goes at my pace.
It gets me off FASTER than a man.
It gets me off more intensely than a man.
It doesn’t mind if I want to fall asleep after I get off.
It doesn’t slap my ass.
It doesn’t make me get on my knees and get hit from the back.
I don’t have put on any sort of theatrical performance to get off.
I am never ashamed to wear granny undies in front of it.
It doesn’t stop suddenly to answer its cellphone.
It never asks me to suck its dick
It never asks me to swallow
It never pushes my head down towards it and tries to force me to give it a blow job.
It never can’t get up and begs for some oral to assist it in rising to the occasion.
It never spits nasty cum at me.
It doesn’t leave a nasty wet spot.
It doesn’t think natural bodily functions are taboo.
It doesn’t make crude comments about periods, PMS or anything to do with douches.
It makes me happy, really, really happy
It has manners
It is never insensitive or crude
It doesn’t bring up all its other lovers
It never tells me the same boring conquest story over and over
It never watches sports on TV
It never goes out and has revenge sex
It has attachments that come in various sizes and colors to meet ALL my needs
It is always there when I need it.
It likes ME best, not its car, team or mother.
Its better sex that any sex I ever had with a man and it never minds if I have a man join in on the fun
It never tells me I’m fat
It never criticizes me
It never makes me feel like a cheap whore (unless I want it to)
It never demands a blowjob, as if it is his God given right.
It guarantees satisfaction and multiple orgasms
It never whines or begs
It never demands sex in repayment for dinner or a movie
Its always FUN to be around
It doesn’t need a bunch of coddling to perform
It doesn’t snore, belch, fart or hog the covers.
It lasts longer than 5 minutes.
It’s reliable and doesn’t talk back.
I don’t have to clean its dirty laundry.
It’s ready ALL of the time.
It has never lied to me.
It is ALWAYS 8.5″, even soft.
It doesn’t look at other women.
It’s always happy to see me.
No risk of catching an STD.
It doesn’t stay out all night (w/o me).