Am I a Misanthrope?

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#1 I love the Internet. Because with the internet, I can watch movies, do my work, shop, and be entertained without having to deal with people physically. However…

#2 I rarely visit social media. The idea of socializing with people without having to stand near them should be appealing to me, but with my level of antipathy, I’ve unfriended more people than you’ve accepted—if that’s even possible at all. On Facebook, my favorite buttons are unfollow, unfriend, and report abuse. My preferred  means of online interaction is my old email address, which I will only give to a chosen few.

#3 I can’t stand kids. Children are like adults, only less inhibited and, oftentimes, more self-centered. Not good news for a misanthrope who can’t even stand dealing with adults. Being invited to my friend’s children’s party is the perfect Stephen King-ish nightmare for me, and hearing all the cries, whines, and high-pitched shouting makes me want to go violate child abuse laws.

#4 I have little tolerance for small talk. My idea of an ideal conversation is something answerable by yes or no. I also have a sentence limit—anything further, or if the conversation starts to get uninteresting, gives me the urge to flee with your ears covered.

#5 Reunions are not my thing. When reunions are mentioned, other people usually worry about what to wear, or what gifts to bring, if it’s a family affair. Misanthropes, however, would be thinking of possible reasons or excuses to say no. If attendance is inevitable, I tend to move around more often, like a spy switching safe houses, to avoid unwanted attention or conversation.

#6 I have offended, and will offend people. Not because I’m a natural-born asshole, but because I’m no-nonsense and blunt when pointing out how stupid ideas are. I am allergic to other people’s bullshit, and I’ll gladly go and myth-bust their pretentiousness.

#7 I maintain a lot of personal space. I value the concept of personal space, and give anyone who breaches your 3-foot personal space radius a death stare. I would rather eat my lunch at my desk or outside than suffer the conversationalists inside the cafeteria.

#8 My concept of recreation is an activity involving little to no people at all. I prefer a solitary cabin in the woods instead of a crowded beach, or a hike in the mountains instead of touring a city. Other activities in your repertoire are pretty much anything that does not require other people.

#9 Sarcasm is my language. Because there are times when other people won’t get my subtle hints at irritation, and I would have to really say that they’re idiots in their face. Creatively. I basically have an on-off switch for sarcasm when conversing with people who spout nonsense.

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